- Protected: Happy Birthday Nick! Who’s your favourite sister?
- December 31 – Anthony Hopkins gets an interview about the last year
- December 30 – Lebron James gets the wrong end of a firing squad
- December 29 – Ted Danson gets a simile Ted
- December 28 – Seth Meyers gets a vanishing preposition
- December 27 – Salman Khan gets culturally and linguistically twote
- December 26 – Jared Leto gets an insomniac’s reasoning
- December 25 – Justin Trudeau gets a Newfoundland expatriate
- December 24 – Ricky Martin gets an old friend’s storied proposals
- December 23 – Noël Wells gets a gets a breath wish and a deodo-rant
- December 22 – Anthony Jeselnik gets exploratory comedy
- December 21 – Samuel L. Jackson gets a post-surgery hospital stay
- December 20 – Jonah Hill gets a man alone
- December 19 – Brandon Sanderson gets writing reflections
- December 18 – Keith Richards gets altered trips
- December 17 – Eugene Levy gets a mundane run-in with Catherine O’Hara
- December 16 – J. B. Smoove gets Juan Liner’s reflections
- December 15 – Adam Brody gets sketchy shorts
- December 14 – Vanessa Hudgens gets technological evolution and immobile humanity
- December 13 – Jamie Foxx gets a commencement exercise
- December 12 – Mayim Bialik gets a marquetter’s fortpolio
- December 11 – Rita Moreno gets an antique appraisal
- December 10 – Emmanuelle Chriqui gets an innocent bystander
- December 9 – Felicity Huffman gets a convenient score
- December 8 – Nicki Minaj gets a pre-cancerous consideration
- December 7 – Dan Bilzerian gets a gamboling gambler
- December 6 – Judd Apatow gets a slow show
- December 5 – Ronnie O’Sullivan gets the games of life
- December 4 – Jeff Bridges gets ambitious videos to be made in my honour
- December 3 – Ozzy Osbourne gets cool Jeopardy stories
- December 2 – Britney Spears gets a mallrat rat rat rat
- December 1 – Sarah Silverman gets book titles and band names
- November 30 – Ben Stiller gets the next great Pizzaloni barber
- November 29 – Don Cheadle gets a banana, an elastic band and an alarm clock
- November 28 – Alfonso Cuarón gets a driveway-sealing, record-selling Witness
- November 27 – Bill Nye gets patents pending
- November 26 – DJ Khaled gets bearded
- November 25 – Christina Applegate gets a page-turning Paige Turner
- November 24 – Stephen Merchant gets fast food funny farms
- November 23 – Miley Cyrus gets the four kinds of drunks
- November 22 – Mark Ruffalo gets a business traveller’s hotel room
- November 21 – Björk gets an interactive stroll through the neighbourhood
- November 20 – Joe Biden gets a mid-life crisis
- November 19 – Larry King gets a self-composed obituary
- November 18 – Kirk Hammett gets a startist’s ideation
- November 17 – RuPaul gets Mary Browned
- November 16 – Maggie Gyllenhaal gets a doctor’s office waiting room
- November 15 – Shailene Woodley gets five shoppers shopping
- November 14 – Condoleezza Rice gets a human rice tribunal
- November 13 – Whoopi Goldberg gets another EGOT
- November 12 – Megan Mullally gets my doula Oblangata
- November 11 – Leonardo DiCaprio gets a jungle intruder
- November 10 – Michael Jai White gets more animal facts than he can handle
- November 9 – Lou Ferrigno gets passed the pasta past its shape
- November 8 – Gordon Ramsay gets a few winnipeg cheesecakes
- November 7 – Chris Mortensen gets a tumour’s origin story
- November 6 – Thandie Newton gets a handy guide
- November 5 – Bryan Adams gets Vancouverified
- November 4 – Matthew McConaughey gets screwed into stripping
- November 3 – Colin Kaepernick gets an avoidable continuance
- November 2 – Nelly gets music videos in the making
- November 1 – Larry Flynt gets a figment at the complaint department
- October 31 – Jon Wurster gets a George Street mystery
- October 30 – Henry Winkler gets a letter to the creditor
- October 29 – Richard Dreyfuss gets an imperfect bet
- October 28 – Caitlyn Jenner gets reminded
- October 27 – John Cleese gets a new generation of shows
- October 26 – Hillary Clinton gets opposing approaches leading to the same destination
- October 25 – Samantha Bee gets the fall of a mustache
- October 24 – Drake gets a fad, late to the party and unappreciated
- October 23 – Weird Al Yankovic gets what else is in a name
- October 22 – Bob Odenkirk gets an office coup initiated by a spurious obsession with Julia Stiles
- October 21 – Benjamin Netanyahu gets a shared laundry puzzle
- October 20 – Snoop Dogg gets a struggle with a toaster
- October 19 – John Lithgow gets a grocery store transaction
- October 18 – Jean-Claude Van Damme gets a boy trapped in a refrigerator who eats his own foot
- October 17 – Norm Macdonald gets an anxious turtle named Dylan
- October 16 – Flea gets animal collective nouns
- October 15 – Emeril Lagassé gets potential Brunch episodes
- October 14 – Usher Raymond gets words to live by
- October 13 – Sacha Baron Cohen gets advice from a man in a suit in a kiosk on a street
- October 12 – Hugh Jackman gets a man in a suit in a kiosk on a street
- October 11 – Artie Lange gets a process template guaranteed to result in a successful stand up set
- October 10 – Dan Stevens gets an open letter to Infinite Jest
- October 9 – Bella Hadid gets a country that turns out to just be a guy’s house
- October 8 – Patrick Watson gets a birthday boyla
- October 7 – Thom Yorke gets anamnesis
- October 6 – Amy Jo Johnson gets a drowning in a swimming pool and sum consequential possibilities
- October 5 – Neil deGrasse Tyson gets a snail’s demise and one of my own
- October 4 – Liev Schreiber gets cautioned by a porscheman
- October 3 – Gwen Stefani gets a holler back woman
- October 2 – Sting gets a self-imposed music appreciation tax
- October 1 – Brie Larson gets a delayed wedding gift for Avi’s parents
- September 30 – Eric Stoltz gets a characters study
- September 29 – Kevin Durant gets a skeptical critique of an uncredible critic
- September 28 – Annie Clark gets overexposed
- September 27 – Marc Maron gets a list of podcasts on my phone
- September 26 – Serena Williams gets an old one, unwittingly titled in parallel with a friend’s song
- September 25 – Mark Hamill gets the story submitted and subsequently rejected, prompting yesterday’s piece
- September 24 – Nia Vardalos gets the first and last sections of a story curated for a judgy audience
- September 23 – Ani DiFranco gets a repetitive issue impacting her hometown
- September 22 – Joan Jett gets a collaborative sonnet by @iansmitty and an aigorithm
- September 21 – Stephen King gets a false alarm at the wrong Jack Ennises’s
- September 20 – George R. R. Martin gets an outstanding lemonade kingpin
- September 19 – Jimmy Fallon gets a tale of two Smittys
- September 18 – Billy Eichner gets a father’s son who’s watched it all
- September 17 – Alex Ovechkin gets questionable certainties
- September 16 – Jennifer Tilly gets alternative hat-tricks for an evolving sports world
- September 15 – Ben Schwartz gets Exit Sign, part 3 of 3, of 5
- September 14 – Sam Neill gets Exit Sign, part 2 of 3, of 5
- September 13 – Colin Trevorrow gets Exit Sign, part 1 of 3, of 5
- September 12 – Paul F. Tompkins gets commissioned for marriage
- September 11 – Ted Leo gets notes from his show at the now-defunct Cobalt
- September 10 – Ryan Phillippe gets a cobbling thief and an obituaried doll
- September 9 – Adam Sandler gets Rhyming Palinilaps
- September 8 – Neko Case gets a sponsored suitcase, owned and abandoned
- September 7 – Evan Rachel Wood gets a lost officer’s prevention
- September 6 – Lauren Lapkus gets a reasonable start to an Animals spec script
- September 5 – Raquel Welch gets the distinctions between meals
- September 4 – Whitney Cummings gets a spec South Park episode’s collaborative synopsis
- September 3 – Maria Bamford gets the opening paragraph of Siddhartha translated into parts of speech
- September 2 – Lennox Lewis gets into an agnosticky situation
- September 1 – Lily Tomlin gets what’s in a name
- August 31 – Chris Tucker gets noxious halluminations and biliary hallucinotions
- August 30 – Lisa Ling gets a stand up meltdown
- August 29 – Carla Gugino gets an array of tests leading to a diagnosis
- August 28 – Shania Twain gets a product manager’s mid-morning break
- August 27 – Sarah Chalke gets settled near the warmer ocean
- August 26 – James Harden gets thoughts during a massage
- August 25 – Blake Lively gets joblogged
- August 24 – Marlee Matlin gets late night malfeasance
- August 23 – Kobe Bryant gets a solo adventure and a cousin switcheroo
- August 22 – Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje gets a dancing impersonation and an Iosian backtrack
- August 21 – Usain Bolt gets knocked out and gleeked at
- August 20 – Al Roker gets an uproarious prediction
- August 19 – Fat Joe gets a college dropout’s arrest
- August 18 – Kaitlin Olson gets soured on whiskey and hidden in the wild
- August 17 – Thierry Henry gets driven around
- August 16 – Madonna gets a mortal combattant
- August 15 – Natasha Henstridge gets a failing socialization
- August 14 – Halle Berry gets to meet the cool people
- August 13 – DeMarcus Cousins gets set back in confidence
- August 12 – Mario Balotelli gets soccer balled
- August 11 – Viola Davis gets a superior speller’s rotting fruit
- August 10 – Antonio Banderas gets a morbid curiousness
- August 9 – Anna Kendrick gets a burgeoning creative’s missteps
- August 8 – Meagan Good gets a circuitous denigration
- August 7 – Charlize Theron gets a gelatinous ursine cosmic internal voyage
- August 6 – M. Night Shyamalan gets a literary fall and its subsequent attention grab
- August 5 – Patrick Ewing gets an impactful PSA and a salty snack
- August 4 – Barack Obama gets a stick-holding, candy-trading, bed-wrestling Hallowe’en
- August 3 – Martha Stewart gets a neighbourly skirmish
- August 2 – Charli XCX gets a toddler’s secure playground
- August 1 – Coolio gets a baby’s first memory
- July 31 – J.K. Rowling gets the subsequent words my phone predicts I will want to say after wishing her a happy day
- July 30 – Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a muggy inventory
- July 29 – Ken Burns gets the final Darwin Award winner
- July 28 – Lori Loughlin gets the negative side of laughter
- July 27 – Nikolaj Coster-Waldau gets a closeted battleground
- July 26 – Mick Jagger gets wishful entropy
- July 25 – Matt LeBlanc gets da b’y who cr’yed
- July 24 – Jennifer Lopez gets an apology from an old half pal
- July 23 – Monica Lewinsky gets enlisted to stop the war on stop signs
- July 22 – Shawn Michaels gets the freebooter’s attempt to live up to his name, along with a ridiculous coincidence
- July 21 – Yusuf Cat Islam Stevens gets eulopologetical
- July 20 – Judy Greer gets an allergy reaction
- July 19 – Jim Norton gets a Colombian standoff
- July 18 – Kristen Bell gets the days other things happened
- July 17 – David Hasselhoff gets the days the music did stuff
- July 16 – Barry Sanders gets a fictional second meeting with a local filmmaker
- July 15 – Jesse Ventura gets a corpse collector’s prelude
- July 14 – Jane Lynch gets stuck with a bumper’s cryptic message
- July 13 – Ken Jeong gets alpha beat
- July 12 – Malala Yousafzai finally understands how one can hate
- July 11 – Richie Sambora gets the search engine optimized plumber
- July 10 – Sofia Vergara gets a former young girl’s investigation of death
- July 9 – Tom Hanks gets the colours of time
- July 8 – Milo Ventimiglia gets an unending twenty miles to a destined nation
- July 7 – Jim Gaffigan learns about natural oneders
- July 6 – Dalai Lama gets a recovering eagle-maniac
- July 5 – Nardwuar the Human Serviette gets one hundred years of solitaire
- July 4 – Geraldo Rivera gets the Untitled School of America
- July 3 – Tom Cruise gets a mid-year breakdown
- July 2 – Scott Aukerman gets an inclusionary Canadian anthem
- July 1 – Missy Elliott gets awoken from a slumberous month
- June 30 – Mike Tyson fires Julie Klausner
- June 29 – Gary Busey steals a plane to relax
- June 28 – Elon Musk gets his attempt to open a Grecian brewery thwarted by parasitic pests
- June 27 – Khloé Kardashian delivers some bad news
- June 26 – Aubrey Plaza is the only one who caught on to an Olympian’s plan for military dominance
- June 25 – Ricky Gervais misses out on the buyer’s take of a lottery win
- June 24 – Mindy Kaling gives me a stern talking to
- June 23 – Joss Whedon listens in to a prank gone bad
- June 22 – Cyndi Lauper descends from a roof of her own accord
- June 21 – Edward Snowden gets his invitation turned down to join him at a backyard bachelor party
- June 20 – Mike Birbiglia finds the best storage facility for the sound equipment
- June 19 – Zoe Saldana makes an astute financial decision
- June 18 – Paul McCartney gets to be a cool camp counselor
- June 17 – Kendrick Lamar gets proven right after commiserating over a fallen man about town
- June 16 – John Cho gets funnier in real life
- June 15 – Courteney Cox gets an incarcerated spin-off
- June 14 – Donald Trump gets diversity in media
- June 13 – Ally Sheedy gets blamed at the register
- June 12 – Richard Ayoade doesn’t show up to our gig, all while Ivan Decker rejects the stage
- June 11 – Joshua Jackson is funny and reserved at an illicit party
- June 10 – Bill Burr gets offensive on the defensive end
- June 9 – Mae Whitman does some petty thieving
- June 8 – Kanye West gets a haircut all by himself, while Bobby Cannavale captures the youth
- June 7 – Mick Foley gets home-hitting insight from an alter ego
- June 6 – Colin Quinn gets defensive about his new certification
- June 5 – Chuck Klosterman gets the joke of the day before noon
- June 4 – T.J. Miller assumes the identity of the T.J. Killer
- June 3 – John Hodgman gets to attend a taping of Maria Bamford’s new special
- June 2 – Wayne Brady gets to help me save the day
- June 1 – Amy Schumer gets to star in a dream
- May 31 – Brooke Shields gets a congratulatory back pat
- May 30 – Duncan Jones gets a Maiden Film
- May 29 – Anders Holm gets a diploma’s name rightfully displayed
- May 28 – Jake Johnson gets a berry pleasing plea
- May 27 – Jamie Oliver gets plancakes!
- May 26 – Phil Elverum finally gets his own schubladenbrief
- May 25 – Ian McKellen gets a day in my life
- May 24 – Tommy Chong gets a prescient kid pleased with the result
- May 23 – H. Jon Benjamin gets a bullying lesson
- May 22 – Naomi Campbell gets a donation solicitation
- May 21 – Mr. T gets a plot summary of a movie never watched
- May 20 – Louis Theroux gets a partially philanthropic experiment
- May 19 – Peter Mayhew gets a toasty toast to a like-bodied friend
- May 18 – Chantal Kreviazuk gets a noodlish tale of transformative proteins
- May 17 – Bob Saget gets One Dead Nan
- May 16 – Pierce Brosnan gets our brief encounter and the examination of fame that it incited
- May 15 – Madeleine Albright gets a modernization of a classic rap song
- May 14 – Amber Tamblyn gets some bedtime inspiration for her daughter’s world
- May 13 – Lena Dunham gets a hopeful artist’s showcase
- May 12 – Rami Malek gets a robotic understudy
- May 11 – Kardinal Offishall gets a shifty historical solution
- May 10 – Kenan Thompson gets an alternate elder care system
- May 9 – Rosario Dawson gets a concerned friend’s plea to a parent
- May 8 – Enrique Iglesias gets his origin story
- May 7 – Traci Lords gets the 72 Nipponese microseasons
- May 6 – Meek Mill gets a penitentiary pal
- May 5 – Kurt Sutter gets a second chance at a bakery order
- May 4 – Will Arnett gets an open letter to open letters
- May 3 – Dulé Hill gets a rarely mentioned scene from a show he used to be on
- May 2 – Dwayne Johnson gets a regular guy’s regular life
- May 1 – Tim McGraw gets over-heards and their hypothetical over-responses
- April 30 – Gal Gadot gets an indirect plea to invite me into her creed
- April 29 – Jerry Seinfeld gets a cerealized hugger-mugger
- April 28 – Jessica Alba gets a weekend worrier
- April 27 – Ace Frehley gets a straightforward review of Rand Acce Memo
- April 26 – Jemima Kirke gets a scientific discovery
- April 25 – Hank Azaria gets a character study
- April 24 – Barbra Streisand gets a rider’s guest list
- April 23 – John Oliver gets a platitude adjustment
- April 22 – Ryan Stiles gets a deeper game of Guess Who?
- April 21 – Tony Danza gets objectionable mondegreens
- April 20 – George Takei gets a conversation with a conservationist
- April 19 – Ashley Judd gets a limerick gone awry
- April 18 – Alia Shawkat gets a child born into fatherhood
- April 17 – Adam McKay gets a car2ghost
- April 16 – Chance the Rapper gets the true intentions of a lottery hopeful
- April 15 – Seth Rogen gets an activity for his parents to do
- April 14 – Win Butler gets reminded of a brief Haligonian encounter
- April 13 – Glenn Howerton gets an infallible system for impressing the other party guests
- April 12 – Ilana Glazer gets a budder-butter mix-up
- April 11 – Joss Stone gets a list of names that need to be brought back into the fold
- April 10 – David Harbour gets a strange review of a condensed season
- April 9 – Jay Baruchel gets an assured victory in a true standoff
- April 8 – Patricia Arquette gets a hankering for another transient rival
- April 7 – Eric Wareheim gets a melting cheeseman
- April 6 – Zach Braff gets to the source of my crowdsourcing
- April 5 – Pharrell Williams gets happiness projected
- April 4 – David Cross gets some ideas to pass on to hopeful comics so that they’ll leave him alone
- April 3 – Adam Scott gets a debunked paradox of voting
- April 2 – Chris Meloni gets a study of the Scandinavian Sprawl
- April 1 – Asa Butterfield gets a prank that goes just far enough
- March 31 – Kate Micucci gets parodical jams
- March 30 – MC Hammer gets a break from having to constantly reinvent himself with sweet new dance moves
- March 29 – Lucy Lawless gets a word named after her, and then a bunch of other ones
- March 28 – Reba McEntire gets a foiled attempt at laziness
- March 27 – Mariah Carey gets warned about the stalkers becoming stans
- March 26 – Todd Barry gets a Hershey’s holiday hardship
- March 25 – Doug Stanhope gets a mugger’s salvation
- March 24 – Louie Anderson gets Bartleby Brothers and His Seven Mothers
- March 23 – Reggie Watts becomes a podcastellan
- March 22 – William Shatner gets a pretend interview with a fictional unobserved man
- March 21 – Rosie O’Donnell gets a schubladenbrief
- March 20 – Spike Lee gets an encounter with a blind Venetian lady of the night
- March 19 – Glenn Close gets my Olive Moment™
- March 18 – Queen Latifah gets an unplanned revolutionary origin
- March 17 – Rob Lowe gets my filmic concerns with slightly relevant #as#tags
- March 16 – John Darnielle gets a dream that, when scrawled on paper, evolves into a film about a calamitous first day at work
- March 15 – Bret Michaels gets a welcome mat switcheroo
- March 14 – Jake Fogelnest gets a rundown of the first season of “Trials and Tributaries”
- March 13 – William H. Macy features prominently in the first story I ever wrote
- March 12 – Ron Funches finds out I am a card-carrying citizen of the cancer community
- March 11 – Benji Madden gets to see that being a twin could have been a whole lot worse
- March 10 – Olivia Wilde gets my favourite movie of in time
- March 9 – Neil Strauss gets an inventory of my eccentricities
- March 8 – James Van Der Beek gets an understanding of a post-Nibs diet life
- March 7 – Bryan Cranston gets a Mortal Kombat announcer’s take on his job
- March 6 – D. L. Hughley gets a pizza rating system for a city he doesn’t live in
- March 5 – Penn Jillette gets a eulogy for the monkey switch
- March 4 – Patricia Heaton gets a receipt of my recipe for my recipes
- March 3 – Ira Glass gets some insight into how I see the part of me that writes
- March 2 – Bryce Dallas Howard gets friendship incarnate
- March 1 – Lupita Nyong’o gets a keyboard kaper the likes of which she’s never seen
- February 28 – Gilbert Gottfried gets an unwillingness to calm a customer’s frustration
- February 27 – Derren Brown gets a new illusion he can try out on his friends before he takes it to the big time
- February 26 – Michael Bolton gets an assumption of his current state
- February 25 – Ric Flair gets a bucket list of sorts
- February 24 – Edward James Olmos gets a religious rumination
- February 23 – Patricia Richardson gets a fondness for my protégé
- February 22 – Rachel Dratch gets a posit on the catalyst to the extinction of humanity
- February 21 – Jordan Peele gets a reflexive tangent, with (0,0) as my original origin
- FEBRUARY 20 – CHELSEA PERETTI GETS A STORY OF LOVE, DESIRE, STRENGTH AND INDEPENDENCE
- February 19 – Jeff Daniels gets a regular witnessing of car accidents
- February 18 – Yoko Ono gets a debunking of a wishful career opportunity
- February 17 – Jason Ritter gets a household milk consumption analysis
- February 16 – Ice-T gets a burgeoning friendship’s first memory
- February 15 – Alex Borstein gets an off-hand jeu de mots taken literally by parental units
- February 14 – Rob Thomas gets a grievance concerning the fictional elderly’s technodiction
- February 13 – Jerry Springer gets a poorly-executed reincarnation
- February 12 – Judy Blume gets my self-identification as a writer
- February 11 – Sheryl Crow gets a tale of reliability and friendship
- February 10 – Chloë Grace Moretz gets a rumination on the forgotten generation in the cycle of discipline
- February 9 – Tom Scharpling gets an underdog story, starring the black sheep of the loaf
- February 8 – Seth Green gets a deli counter’s sneaky upsell attempt
- February 7 – Chris Rock gets a crafty way to get time off work
- February 6 – Tom Brokaw gets a specific desire for an iced coffee
- February 5 – Michael Sheen gets Brunched
- February 4 – Hannibal Buress gets a plea for a pivot in his performing career
- February 3 – Warwick Davis gets a study of postal signature devices
- February 2 – Nathan Fielder gets the lifestyle tactics omitted by the ‘normal’ person
- February 1 – Abbi Jacobson gets an enemy for a day
- January 31 – Bobby Moynihan gets a crow’s attack
- January 30 – Wilmer Valderrama gets a hotel fire alarm
- January 29 – Heather Graham gets told what she’s doing
- January 28 – Sarah McLachlan is a secret bowling neighbour
- January 27 – Patton Oswalt gets an Archie Comics disparagement
- January 26 – Vince Carter gets celebrated by a child admirer
- January 25 – Alicia Keys gets a nominative deterministic teaser
- January 24 – Ed Helms is a neurokahunanarcissist
- January 23 – Tiffani Thiessen gets an executive decision
- January 22 – Guy Fieri gets a nibbling week
- January 21 – Paul Allen goes on tour with Secret Connection
- January 20 – Questlove gets a determinative cracker selection
- January 19 – Dolly Parton gets a bumbling bee
- January 18 – Jason Segel gets a body donation
- January 17 – Joshua Malina gets a Baader-Meinhof’d rice pudding
- January 16 – Lin-Manuel Miranda gets an alternate path to a coveted award
- January 15 – Charo gets an avian alarm
- January 14 – Jason Bateman gets a squirrel’s revenge
- January 13 – Julia Louis-Dreyfus gets a painful hallumination
- January 12 – Raekwon gets world leader factoids
- January 11 – Mary J. Blige gets transferable Bop-It skills
- January 10 – Jemaine Clement gets incremental name dropping
- January 9 – Joan Baez gets Mickey Brennan’d
- January 8 – Jenny Lewis gets a young Peter Pan
- January 7 – Katie Couric gets a baristo’s indolence
- January 6 – Julie Chen gets variations on a dining invitation
- January 5 – deadmau5 gets a restructured week
- January 4 – Dave Foley gets an outdoor slumber
- January 3 – Dan Harmon gets pestered
- January 2 – Jack Hanna gets animal considerations
- January 1 – Verne Troyer gets the start of a project
