I’ve been told that I’m not like other people. And the way these people describe how I’m not like them makes me think they might be right, that I’m not really this normal that they expect me to strive for. But how they would like for me to present myself, it goes against my understanding of the world. They tell me a normal person has certain qualities, ones that come through as actions he does NOT perform. They say things like:

1. A normal person doesn’t walk down the road, talking to himself at barely audible volumes, muttering his possible thoughts if he were the type of person who would randomly attack the man walking alone in front of him. He’d never do it, obviously, but considering the fact that some people do and trying to put himself in that mindset, now that’s an approach that could be interesting. So he doesn’t do that.

2. He doesn’t plug his ears and close his eyes and make strange noises out loud (like “gleeb, croof, twang”) to see how it would sound from inside his own head.

3. A normie doesn’t try to guess how many eggs are left in the carton based purely on weight, with the cover still on. He opens the top and counts them.

4. Normal guy doesn’t want to witness something horrible happen simply because he’s never seen it before, like someone having a seizure or a dog biting off his own foot. He doesn’t fantasize about watching someone hold up a chain restaurant and then regret it when they’re halfway done, bag on counter but money still in register. He doesn’t just want to experience as much of the range of human emotions as possible. He doesn’t want to be there as a witness if bad things happen, even if those things were inevitable.

5. A normal person doesn’t buy a glass box which would be used to house and protect a single Ferrero Rocher chocolate, ultimately and unexpectedly anthropomorphized as the Shanawdithit of its kind.

6. He doesn’t not care about what people he doesn’t care about thinks about them. They get embarrassed when they accidentally bang into someone and nervous when prompted to respond to their inquisitions.

7. A normie doesn’t fantasize about the one thing they could do or say at any given moment that would completely ruin their life. And as he’s considering that option, knowing it wouldn’t take too much of a drastic shift in what he’s thinking about to actually do or say that thing.

8. Finally, normal guy doesn’t talk to himself while listening to headphones, pretending like he’s on an important phone call, in case anyone around him gets the impression that he isn’t actually important.

That’s about all the things a normal person doesn’t do, and so I don’t do them either. Instead I ask people how their small business is doing and laugh heartily at every joke I hear, no matter how simple it is.

February 2 – Nathan Fielder gets the lifestyle tactics omitted by the ‘normal’ person
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