All this talk of donating body parts is making me realize there’s always an opportunity to donate other items you have, pre-death, to give someone else a little boost.

Whenever someone on the street wants me to donate money to some cause or other, they always say I can help by contributing what equates to the price of the cup of coffee. Why is the coffee the item they think I’ll give up in order to be a better person? It’s the one drug that I’m actually fine being addicted to, and I’m not the only one. Nobody’s trading in a regular, vital caffeine fix to possibly help some kid that happened to be the most pitiful-looking one of the bunch when Rod Black went over looking for the worst ones AND found him.

Sometimes they ask you to give up the cost of one meal to feed a village. This probably won’t happen the way they market it anyway, but even if it did, you shouldn’t need to give up a meal to help. They should appeal to your attempt at being better and ask you to give up the cost of a yoga session or something. You can do yoga at home AND feed the kids.

Or better yet, how about don’t tip next time you go out to eat. Just write on the bill “A donation has been made to Unicef to the amount of this tip. Thank you for your contribution.” I’m sick of tipping anyway, so this is my Human Fund way of getting out of it. This way you get to avoid tipping, save a kid, AND drink your sweet, sweet double fat mocha cortado chordata grande grand wizard soy latte.

[Editor’s note: The author’s above opinions do not reflect the sentiments advocated here at iSmith, where every month employees will happily forgo their morning cup of coffee to pay for our sponsorship of a school in the north. And if we’re being honest, he’s the one who initiated this social responsibility, so my best guess is that he plagiarized this from some bitter kid from days gone by. Those Rod Black pleas haven’t been shown in years sure.]

May 22 – Naomi Campbell gets a donation solicitation
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