In a standoff, a real old school standoff where you’re pointing a gun at someone and he (or she! But probably he. Hes love guns.) is pointing one at you, each presumed to have one remaining bullet, there is a way to guarantee victory. The technique requires fortitude and patience, and it involves expounding what sounds like the genesis of an extended pontification: “I had a feeling I’d meet you here. Ever since we were children, and the lions and the gazelles lived in harmonious bliss, there was always an indication that it would come down to you and I…” This is the section of the speech you should have prepared as well as Mr. Orange did with his story, and your eyes must convey your desire to complete the thought along with a more explanatory follow up. However, as you sound out the “ga” in “gazelles”, this is when you shoot the other person in the face. Your now-dead opponent will not have seen it coming. If there is time combined with an absence of aftermath repercussions, finish the sentence calmly, and if you’re feeling creative, pepper in additional details until it develops into a monologue unique to your situation. This last part is optional, but it will certainly enhance the story when you tell other people about how you survived the gun-pointed-at-head thing.

April 9 – Jay Baruchel gets an assured victory in a true standoff
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