These two guys who talk to each other sometimes are intrigued by lines they hear coming from the mouths of strangers as they live their lives. Well someone else is also intrigued by such overhearings, and that someone else is me. I have a list of many such lines in the hopes of one day joining them in a conversation and passing on the ramblings, along with my unsaid rebuttals.
Man, being escorted out of a hotel lobby in New York: “I’m not driving around with a hot tub in the back of my truck like it’s 1983.”
Me: “Uh, yeah you are.”
[Editor’s note: He wasn’t.]
Fellow bus-goer, catching me curiously watching his movements: “Don’t look at me. I ain’t no girl. I hate guys. I like girls but I hate guys. You look somewhere else. Look at a girl. That’s what they’re for.”
Me: No, it’s really not. Please join me over a tea to discuss the objectification of women in our society so you can unlearn what you’ve learnt. I hate guys too.
Trophy wife whose husband may be cheating on her, over a lunchtime glass of wine with her debutante friends: “If she hates me why does she keep looking at me? All you know is nothing.”
Me: “Because sometimes hatred must be fully formed in order to be complete.”
Father and son, in unison, after a comedian on stage joked about Winnie the Pooh getting sexually assaulted: “Booooooooo!!!”
Me: Oh, go sit on a rat’s tail, the lot of ye’s.
Philosopher king: “It’s called a speed bump. Not a speed give up on everything.”
Me: The direct translation from the original germanic ‘bodenschwelle’ is actually ‘speed give up on everything’. Your attempt at a joke has been foiled by linguistic knowledge.
Property manager: “If you’re looking to get rid of your bed, there’s a lot of immigrant families who might buy it. They need beds too.”
Me: I suppose that’s true.
Girl on sidewalk: “Well, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s a song, isn’t it?”
Me: Yeah, Kelly Clarksdaughter was the first one to come up with that. You need a platitude adjustment.
Girl not on sidewalk: “I’ve been trying to tell my mom that AirBnB is called AirBnB and she keeps calling it Air Bud, but I’m like, “No, no, that’s the dog!”
Me: At work, we use this program Mavenlink. The person next to me only calls it Marvenlink. It reads like Mavenlink, I pronounce it as Mavenlink, she calls it Marvenlink. Der kampf ist echt.
Juggalo kid, at the farmer’s market: “I used to be Indiana Jones, when I burned my face on the lava.”
Me: Let’s be best friends, 4evs4realz.
Self-assured life coach: ”The best piece of advice I ever got is to figure out what you want and work backwards.”
Me: The best piece of advice I ever got was not to step on the crack and, by the transitive property, my own mother’s back.
Large, useless man to his son in the train station: “Uh, no. Africa has countries instead of provinces. Don’t they teach you anything in school?”
Me: I have nothing to refute. Your condescending statement towards your son and our education system is untouchable.
Religious minister, remarking on a plane, in an attempt to convince his row-mate to believe implicitly in that good book: “If any part of the Bible is to be disbelieved, then it would all need to be questioned.”
Me: Touché, old man. Touché.
Vagrant, after not receiving a cigarette asked of from a passerby: “I’m so fed up with it all I could eat somebody’s porch.”
Me: Someone get this man a smoke.