I know life is pretty foolish as it is, with there being so many crazy people and stupid people and houses shaped like shoes bridges full of locks with no keys. But it would still be better if this universe was slightly more random and surreal and we all dealt with it as it came.

  • A butterfly lands on everyone’s shoulder, once per lifetime, and summarizes that week’s TV guide, complete with snarky reviews. Even for shows that haven’t come out yet. But no spoilers.
  • Experiences from random people throughout history should periodically inject themselves into your memory. When you’re bored at a party, it would help if you could declare with some degree of accuracy, ”So this time when I was a French soldier in 1790, my pantaloons were too short and Napoleon laughed at me but still let me fight.” Depending on the memory, you might respond with “Not funnay!” but maybe it will get you to smile even a bit.
  • We need more common, provable alien abductions. Everyone should know someone who was actually abducted and has a decent story about it.
  • The clouds can occasionally spell out words, sometimes gibberish and other times a sentence you can easily attribute some meaning to.
  • It would be nice if, when you poured laundry detergent into the machine, it created a ephemeral image in the air on the way down. Just for you, you know?
  • There should be days when certain items disappear completely for a while. On a Thursday in October, you wake up and there’s no apples, like anywhere on earth. They all come back the next day, but for 24 hours we all gotta deal with a world without apples. Granny Smith shudders at the thought, and Madame Ambrosia sees her stock plummet for a little while, but we accept enough other insanity with little thought, so let’s try this one for a minute.
  • A small fraction of the population, instead of hair, have plants sprouting from their heads. Chia people, with their own support groups and everything.
  • One day a year – let’s go with the second Sunday after the third full moon – everyone on the planet has to have to live as their skeleton. It would be a little confusing, for sure, calling your aunt your mom and a stranger your dog, but we’re all in the same boat there. No clothes either. Some organizations would host skeletelathons, tourists would pay for skeletours, and International Bone Bag Day will someday end racism altogether.
July 26 – Mick Jagger gets wishful entropy
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