Years ago I read The Game and considered for a moment using magic and peacocks to further my relationship goals. However, I quickly realized it would take more than that, due to my many idiosyncrasies, outlined below, in case you were wondering, which you were.
- I refuse to eat while the cupboards open, and I keep cereal in the fridge. It’s easier that way, since cereal always goes with milk. But then your cereal is cold.
- I have an as-yet-unvalidated theory that the moon is sixty light years away and we’ll be able to see the Armstrong-Aldrin landing real soon as long as we have decent binoculars and an ability to squint.
- I have a deep affinity towards cuckoo clocks. Like, however deep you’re thinking, it’s deeper than that.
- I can’t blow my nose. I mean, I can try, but it never works out like it’s supposed to. This doesn’t come up very often, especially since I never get sick for some reason, but I don’t want any major surprises years down the road, so I might need to take a class or something.
- Sometimes I pretend there’s headlight fluid that needs to be replaced. There never is.
- I take admittedly significant liberties concerning which albums sync up well with movies, like William Shatner’s “Ponder the Mystery” with Danny Leiner’s “Dude, Where’s My Car?”
- When I accidentally type a letter twice, I’m oddly particular about which one I will delete, having been tasked as the ultimate decider to remove it from this world forever.
- I regularly swap my car tires with rentals instead of buying new ones. I haven’t been found out yet.
- I have not a fear of elevators, but a fear of being in elevators with other people, acquaintances and strangers alike.
- I’m mildly terrified of regular household items when they resemble spooky things. I do not own a staple remover because it’s basically a venomous cobra.
- I find stationary objects amusing but pointless. I need constant motion and stimulation.
- I will only eat a plum while I’m inside, both to be near a water source for post-snack cleaning and also so that the wind doesn’t gust my pit away from me, causing a seagull to choke to death. Even gulls deserve second chances.
- I don’t like when someone doesn’t clear the microwave back to the clock after removing the food before time expires. In the same microwavic vein, I also hate the beeping when countdown hits 0.
- It’s hard for me to respect someone who screws up latitude, so basically, don’t screw up latitude.
- I get rightfully upset at people who, upon realizing they used the last of the toilet paper, do nothing to replace it.
- I always eat around the edge of sandwiches in a valiant attempt to craft the perfect bite. I never attain it, and never will, but it’s nice having something to live for.
I hope to someday overcome these quirks, but not really that much because our differences are what make us unique!
[Editor’s note: This was written before the author contracted the cancer. He understands he can no longer say “I never get sick for some reason” with a straight face.]
March 9 – Neil Strauss gets an inventory of my eccentricities