Hey, I cook too! But I’m no foodie, whatever the jesus that is. I don’t Instagram my suppers as the delay in eating leads to unnecessarily cooling of the meal. I don’t blog about the freshest kale I just ate. And I don’t pretend that I’m the first one who ever decided to put a certain combination of ingredients together on a plate. But what I lack in hipster, I make up for in grit, and I want to share with you what it takes to reach my level of talent and success. Here, before gods and men and the mudder from Raymond, is a recipe for my recipes:

  1. List ingredients. Write those friggers down.
  2. Line foods up on the counter, in order of sizes they will eventually be chopped into.
  3. Spend several minutes wondering whether or not it was the chicken or the egg that came first, to remind yourself you are never above philosophy.
  4. Forget what a spatula looks like and try to flip an egg with two pieces of uncooked spaghettini, to be used ninjaically as chopsticks.
  5. Before cutting the vegetables with a Santoku knife you obtained from a flea market on Kenmount Road, make an “EE-ee-EE-ee” sound and mime a robot stabbing his creator right after developing sentience.
  6. Juggle two avocados with one hand while deciphering which one was cultivated closer to the world’s only Sriracha factor in the smelly town of Irwindale, California.
  7. A single tablespoon of salt can now be added, although it is rarely noticed, like the potential second ‘i’ in aluminum.
  8. Sing. Sing like nobody’s watching, love like only that one guy down the road who’s into voyeurism is watching, and live like nobody’s watching.
  9. Watch a movie like only you are watching.
  10. Take a moment to breathe it all in. Let the satisfaction wave over you until you get a bit turned on like you do when you think of something really funny.
  11. Put a salisbury steak Hungry Man frozen dinner, once used to cool down your constantly overheating laptop at least once a day for eight months, in the twenty-seven year-old microwave your roommate’s girlfriend’s mother gave you and wonder how many cancer cells are being created in your body as you watch it cook.
  12. Add salt.
March 4 – Patricia Heaton gets a receipt of my recipe for my recipes
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