The last episode of Friends is playing, but this version wasn’t meant to go public.

There’s significant tension between Ross and Rachel, and not the good kind. Phoebe (acting very Kendell-like) goes up and makes out with Ross really crazily, then runs over to the kitchen sink and starts spraying water at her tongue, laughing all the while. It is somehow assumed she needed to wash out her mouth, and the animalistic nature of her actions confirm this, as the rest of her and the floor get satched¹.

Phoebe’s outlandish outburst is the butterfly in subsequent major effects, as a quick cut to the future demonstrates.

Rachel runs out of money and has no choice but to shoplift expensive purses in order to maintain her extravagant lifestyle. She is the first one to get sentenced and ends up in a co-ed prison.

Joey gets called out by multiple women for sexual assault. He shrugs it off but still moves to Connecticut to get rid of the heat. It doesn’t work, and a video surfaces showing him being a perpetrator of coercion. He’s found guilty on no less than six counts of varying degrees and ends up in jail.

Monica’s OCD gets to be too much for her to handle. She dopes herself up and remains solitary in her house, mimicking a requiem for Ellen Burstyn. She’s convicted of going crazy and accepts the verdict with ease.

Ross, married to his fifth wife, comes home drunk one night to catch her cheating on him, with his first ex-wife. He can’t believe it and is so mad that he goes for a long drive. He hits a kid, who dies bloody on the street, and keeps driving because he’s so clouded. The drunk hit-and-run lands him in more hot water than the rest of them, but his endearing awkwardness gets him sent with the others.

Chandler is framed for a bank robbery, and during the trial, as he’s pleading his case on the stand, he’s a bit too sarcastic. Nobody on the jury picks up on it so he gets sent to prison for a few years.

Phoebe, having gone back to being homeless, is especially satisfied with how she turned out, until her scraggly pet cat runs away. She’s convinced that the woman at the bodega snatched the kitten away, so one day she waits outside for her to close up shop and hits her over the head with one of those Chinese cats that waves to you in restaurants. Five years less a day.

A real-life spin-off docu-mentary is created, by NBC of course, called Cellies.

All of the actors assume the identities of their characters to get their grubby paws on every more of that sweet cash, and it works.

¹ [Editor’s note: “Satched” means “soaked right through”.]

June 15 – Courteney Cox gets an incarcerated spin-off
Tagged on:                 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *