After completing the Season 7 finale of American Horror Story earlier this morning, Florida man Graham Fatherson has finally caught up on every television show ever made.

“I’m exhausted, I really am,” Fatherson admitted, “but I’m proud of everything I’ve accomplished. I couldn’t have done this without the lack of support from my ex-wife, who left me recently when I skipped her mother’s funeral so I could see how things turned out with the Rayburns in Bloodline. I have no other interests, exercise makes me sick, and I subsist entirely on frozen – some might dare say TV – dinners, best enjoyed while staring at moving pictures on a phone, tablet, computer, television or supertelly.”

Fatherson began what he calls his artistic endeavour when he was but a wee latchkey kid, and after-school M*A*S*H reruns were the only thing keeping him from crying himself into oblivion. He admits that a few series were a real challenge to get through, such as every rendition of CSI, including the one about cybercrime or whatever. But then an episode of the Real Housewives of Atlanta would come on and he’d get right back into the swing of it all.

When prodded for his favourite show, he said that it’s not what you’d expect. “It’s this one about people, real people, living their lives. It’s called The Wire. You probably never heard of it. It’s more for us sophisticates.”

I had of course heard of The Wire. I’m not a buffoon, but this is what he takes me for. This god damn waste of a human body spends his days ataxic, planted like a tuber in front of any screen he can get his grubby little eyes on, and he has the gall to condescend me about what is actually my favourite show too. But I’m not even made at myself for having similar taste as this worthless piece of turds – EVERYONE likes The Wire. It’s got it all – nitty gritty Baltimore from all sides, a Brit pretending to be a true American McNutty, a scene where a stream of alternating f-words is the only dialogue, a complete second season shift to focus on a bunch of port lifters, the guy who shoots people with shotguns and doesn’t even seem to notice when they die, that person buying the drill or whatever who isn’t even a real actor and you can barely understand them and how did they even get on the show – because they were perfect for it, that’s how.

And the way that this Grahamburger lifted his flat fat chin in a snubby way when he said “sophisticates”, like that’s a friggin’ word that anyone uses in the real life. There’s probably more that I could find out about how he watched every part of every show ever made, but I honestly don’t want to waste another word of typing on this Fatherson, whatever the fuck kind of name that is.

September 18 – Billy Eichner gets a father’s son who’s watched it all
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