Open pickle jars? Best way to get to those tasty pickles. Open relationships? I could see how they can work, although they require a level of trust rarely seen in this day’s age. Open bars? Love ’em. But open letters? Let me tell you – there’s another way.

Find a mailing address, or an email. Most websites contain the relevant email. Don’t expect them to haphazardly run into your message that happens to be directed to them specifically. There’s always an intended recipient, and that’s who should receive it. You need to find a way to navigate the world until you end up in only that person’s hands.

Your directive needs to be clear, as you know, and persuasive and strong and undeviating, but also relatable and sincere. You’re not going to change anyone’s mind by getting everyone else to yell at them. You need to connect with the target on a human level and get them to discover their own situational flaws without excess antagonism.

Yet here you stand, existing primarily to lift your writer up, so they can show others in the blogging orb how smartly opinionated they are. The general public will agree or disagree, form an opinion of this writer, and then move on to the next item in their own information cycle. Nobody is swayed, nothing is gained. You perpetuate the dichotomous polarization we need to destroy. Red and blue, right and left. Whatever happened to me and you? Let’s finally take that duo on for size. It’s time you pull yourself out of this crazy world and become what you should have always been, a personal and private and closed letter, heretofore known as a letter.

[Editor’s disclaimer: This has been acknowledged as a Bojackian reference, elaborated for effect.]

May 4 – Will Arnett gets an open letter to open letters
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