I’m a bit of a phobophile. I really like having my phobias, and I don’t want to lose them, any of them.

I watched An Inconvenient Sequel yesterday and now I’m algoraphobic.

What if… we heard it wrong, and Jesus wasn’t really a carpenter, but was actually a car painter? That would change everything, wouldn’t it? Would it? If you are a priest, deacon, pope, or Arizona Cardinal, please respond.

Does the pope even shit in the woods? How often does he do it? Does the frequency matter for the idiom, or was it just based on the one documented time he shat in the woods? If the pope shits in the woods, and no one’s around, would you still try to steal it? And you could clone him using his DNA, raise the mini-pope yourself and get him to challenge his elder twin to a pope-off.

My least favourite dwarf is Bashful because I don’t know what that word means.

I know this is a bold assumption, but I believe I’m the first person to ever create an Indian character named Bindeer Dundat.

Anyone who knows the difference between an asteroid, a meteor, and a meteorite, and then corrects people who don’t, well they’re not my kind of people.

My buddy went to Thailand, and he got to ride an elephant. He wouldn’t shut up about it, like he thought talking about anything else was irrelevant.

There must be some tai chi – chai tea joke, right? Maybe that’s as far as we’ll ever get with it. And I’m okay with that. Some spoonerisms are best left alone.

So this “woop woop” that people keep getting on with – that shouldn’t really be a thing, hey?

I might become a dentist just so when some kid comes in and I can say is, “Your chart is showing the wrong teeth for your molar and your incisor. It was dentally mislabeled!”

I got a Chevy cause I love tech and anagrams.

If the employee of the month isn’t called the “Best B’y” then we’ve gotta get fresh management around here.

Post Malone is okay, but I cant wait for Post Malone 2: Sloths in Zoo Pork.

Enjoy Pretty Little Liars, for one day you’ll look back and realize it was actually Big Little Lies.

Fourths of Nature is the best Ben Afflick. Besides Paycheck, obvs. And that fake Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season scene where he talks like an old-timey kid for no reason.

Todd Glass looks like he’s made out of clay.

Tony Hawk looks like the age-enhanced version of a kid who got kidnapped when he was 10.

Archival footage confirms that Eric Clapton didn’t always look like a turtle.

I won’t ever fully be able to connect with someone who hasn’t spent an inordinate amount of time saying “Ringo” like how John would. Hey, now you just did it! It’s fun, hey? Rin-gooo. Let’s be friends!

Just hit me – Rubber Sole. Like on a shoe. Goush.

Did you know that Joni Mitchell’s “I could drink a case of you” was actually written about Diet Fanta.
Or maybe she was saying I could drink a case of Yoo-hoo.

Led Zeppelin sounds better when I’m wearing a leather jacket.

Which Dave would it be funniest if he named his kid Baconand? I bet I know.

I still can’t believe KC ditched the Sunshine Band to meet up with Jojo.

How come Jay Z gets his own lane on the highway?

One wonders if the song would have been as popular if history finally acknowledged that it was actually her friend Norbert who battled those pink robots.

I can’t separate the person from the art. Except with the Remix to Ignition. I… I just have to.

I still hear Lil’ Romeo’s “My Baby” every time the intro to ”I Want You Back” comes on. I’m not proud of this, but not embarrassed either. Well maybe a little embarrassed, but that’s how the crow caws and the cause crows.

“Great Balls of Fire” was written about trying to catch a Charmander.

The working title of my new pilot is Screrminator.

Remembering Sarah Marshall is the sequel where she dies and then I don’t know what happens next. Remembering Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the oral history for the first one.

I’ve never confused Kim Gordon and Kim Mitchell, I don’t know why you’d even say that, leave me alone.

It’s cool that Manny from Modern Family grew up to be Cesar in Gilmore Girls.

“Firefly now, Serenity later” is what a few Fox executives were saying around 2002.

The white recliner is my very own Martin Crane chair. That would make Kelly Frasier. Toast is Niles. Meg Daphne? Wait, Eddie is obviously Toast. How did I forget about Eddie?

December 27 – Salman Khan gets culturally and linguistically twote
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