The other day my friend was walking around a party carrying a tray of assorted crackers. She was carefully analyzing each person’s selection, deducing what it says about them. But I didn’t know this when it came to be my turn. I was lost in conversation, too busy cracking jokes to focus on crackers, and I hadn’t noticed the intent in her watching eyes. I reached out and took a generic Arrowroot, followed by a saltine. Oh no.

First off, upping my own quota to two indicates plainly that I’m a man of greed, taking what I can with no regard for who comes after. The Arrowrooty one proves that I’m an immature baby, never fully accepted into the fancy world of garlic crostinis and aged parmesan crisps. And the saltine puts me solidly in the category of the boring people, making me a bland square and nothing more. All the same, there’s no bigger joke than the sheer number of Premium Plus crackers in each sleeve. Never seen the last one not get stale. And don’t you find that nutritional labels gotta stop it with the appetite shaming. A serving is not two crackers. It is a sleef. Deal with it, food scientists. Anyway, of all the crackers, which one would you pick and why?

January 20 – Questlove gets a determinative cracker selection
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