In certain cities, the young rise up, fight back, and inspire the previous generation to do better until it’s all over.
In my city there are nine categories of pizza places, divided into thirds by the scales of culinary arts and culinary tastes.
There are the gourmet pizza joints, heretofore known as the Palaces. The Medianic are less discriminating, but still use real bacon over the bits we’ve come to accept. Finally, the Greasy Pans specialize in quick, cheap, dirty slices, for lazy, hungry, dirty drunks.
Now contrary to what I’ve preambled, the order of favourites or objective quality does not start at the Palaces and end with the Greasy Pans. Each distinct tier does have within it, however, a subdivision of labours, from top to bottom in deliciousness.
Below are examples of each of the enigmatic rulers of the Jovians, with a short description (except for the greasy pans which although often delicious do not merit anymore of my wo-).
Palace I: Corduroy Pie Company. The best of the best, exemplified in its soothing and life-affirming coppa.
Palace II: Pizzeria Barbarella. Freshly hot, with appropriate portions and proportions, and a majestic sauce.
Palace III: Don’t Argue. Price-y and fanc-y, but usually underwhelming, and the service is laughable, although that is simply a note and does not impact the rankings in any way.
Median A: Pizzeria Ludica. A restaurant specializing in board games sneaks under the radar with a delicious pineapple pancetta.
Median B: Ignite Pizzeria. Thinks it’s fancy but it ain’t, thinks it’s tasty but it’s only fine.
Median C: Pizza Garden. Wood-fried or wood-fired, either way it’s not enough to make up for its mediocrity.
Greasy Pan 1: Uncle Fatih’s.
Greasy Pan 2: Goldie’s.
Greasy Pan 3: Fresh Slice
[Author’s note: The impetus for the relatively complicated structure of 3s, over a linear rating system, is because I would almost always prefer a Ludica pie over a Don’t Argue pesto thingy.]
[Editor’s note: All establishments for which British Columbia is not the primary service area have been omitted from this list. This is not to say Pizza Hut can’t make a pizza, cuz dey can.]
[Editor’s second note: Somewhere in the above, a sentence ends in wo-). The author would like you to know that with a 98° turn-of-the-head this resembles a person in a semaphoric canoe, guided by their fish friend in the water below.]
[Editor’s second additional note: …guided by their fish BEST friend. Jaysus…]