Some things get the right amount of credit, and some things too much. But we’re not talking about sensible loans or firefighters right now. We will be focusing on the little guys, the underdogs, fighting for a place at the table when they should be sitting on a throne yelling at the people eating at the table. For instance… oh, I don’t know – NATURE.

Water happens to be the main thing we need to live, along with oxygen, but you can’t see that one so there’s no way to tell if it actually exists. Water is basically everywhere, thank god. But the ocean? Don’t get me started. The ocean must be respected. And when you’re really thirsty, like super hungover or crawling through a deserted sandy region, you’d do anything for a sip of water.

You’d massage a hippo even if your hands couldn’t really get in there and even if he insisted on being critical of your technique. You’d search for your mother in a corn field and stick a big ear of corn into her ear, if that happened to be the sole requirement to get a bit of water. As someone who’s been dehydrated and subsequently pranked by a water-rich rich guy, the corn ear is all too real, but all too necessary as well. You would do that, no matter what face you’re making right now.

Moving on to the mountains beyond mountains – there’s nothing more impressive than these gargantuan earthlings. Some are volcanoes, others are ski hills, some are just there, but either way you do what you can to not get stuck on one in late November.

Yes sir, animals, plants, mushrooms, psychedelic frogs have all earned their place in this great big nature we call home. And we haven’t even gotten to the unwavering, disaster-causing parts of it.

Lightning, long been declared to be Thor’s glorious member stabbing the earth, laughing maniacally with each forceful thrust, is scare-e. If you don’t know who Thor is, read a book, you abecedarian. A real book, not one of those Horny Plopper fetish fan fictions.

So apparently, that whole Thor thing was made up by some octogenarian in the wayback days because we couldn’t come up with anything that made more sense. But since then, we learned that lightning comes from the ground (maybe). The explanation still works. It’s likely that someone buried Thor alive, probably Loki, and lightning is now his protrusion helping him escape. I’m not sure about much, but I do know that no matter what, lightning is Thor’s thing, and Thor’s thing is breathtaking.

And now earthquakes. More than a cool wrestler from the less wayback days, the earthquake is nature’s seizure, occuring when the ground contracts nature’s meningitis. If you’ve never experienced a bad one, a quake feels like that time your grandparents moved into the bedroom above yours and your grampa discovered Viagra and went back to doin’ it like post-apocalyptic rabbits, the much hornier kind of rabbits.

What I’m getting at here is don’t take this all for granted, as we are all one with each other and the universe at large.

[Editor’s note: The author didn’t want you to know this, for fear of a reprimand or cease-and-desist, but he once released a single song under the moniker Jimothy Goof-Again! He won’t let me link to it here, but trust me, it’s shite.]

July 7 – Jim Gaffigan learns about natural oneders
Tagged on:             

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *