Recognize applause. Welcome audience.
Thank previous comedian. Refer to one of their jokes with a lighthearted dig.
Mention city that I’m in. Profess that it’s great to be here. Convey that I know a distinct characteristic of the location, something many audience members can relate to.
Say my government name.
Acknowledge a conspicuous physical attribute of mine. Suggest a famous person I resemble, if a certain condition were applied, or an interesting occupation I might have based solely on the feature.
Disclose where I’m from. Discuss how my hometown is different from most places.
Contemplate how my parents impacted who I am now.
Examine the state of my finances. Consider it relates to my vices.
Reveal my relationship status. Admit it’s not always easy having my particular relationship status, citing specific examples.
Explore my feelings about children.
Lose train of thought.
Invite audience to tip their server.
Regain train of thought.
Check to see if anyone else feels the same way as me about a particular aspect of our society. Propose an interesting alternative to the status quo.
Get interrupted several times by someone offended by my previous statement, in what is quickly becoming a heckle.
Respond to heckler, in a manner that makes their slink back into their seat.
Review a current event. Speculate on how I would handle myself if placed in that situation.
Tell story about a memorable situation I found myself in last year, but claim it happened just a few days ago. Remark on how I would have liked to have handled that situation, while pretending it is precisely how I did. Confess that the fictional outcome made me learn something about my true nature.
Announce the superlative quality of the audience.
Wait for ovation that does not come.
Walk off stage, straight to the otherwise empty green room. Close door gently behind me.
This is what I asked for, but it is nothing that I wanted.