You will be pleased to see that I have picked you over your brother as the important birthday of the day. Actually, I’m sorry for bringing him up. It must get a little annoying always being a twin, from being dressed the same as kids to being disliked because of something he did because people are too ignorant to tell the difference between you guys.

But that’s nothing compared to being one of them conjoined twins, whether they’re from Thailand or not. Wait, is this like how anything made outside of Champagne in France has to be called sparkling wine? Irregardless of the etymological root, have you ever even seen any of these fused siblings in real life? They’re all over the screen, in Big Fish, Basket Case, Sisters, Twin Falls Idaho. But I’ve never had to avoid a red rover situation walking down the road.

Holy goodness! I just binged it, and it turns out there’s a reason you never see them. It only happens once in every 200,000 birthdays, and only one-third of them make it past the first day. Stuck On You makes it seem like they share a great, if not clumsy, life together. But I doubt this has every been the case. If you hear of any fun-loving attached people, let me know, will you? Until then, be glad you don’t have to stand next to Joel all bored and in your own head while he meets with his accountant. Actually, you probably share an accountant. Better keep your ears open while she (or he!) is talking, because taxes are important, even as a musician. They help pay for hospitals and prisons and studies about how long it takes to fry an egg, and I hope you contribute your fair share to that.

March 11 – Benji Madden gets to see that being a twin could have been a whole lot worse
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