iSmith: We’ve had a lot of fun here over the years, giggling and wriggling, tossing in a chortle every now and then. But it’s time to get serious. Human issues.
(I push a physical button on the table, similar to Staples’s Easy button, to elicit a recording of the phrase “hot topic” in Jim Gaffigan’s “hot pocket” voice).
iSmith: We’ve all heard of them, most of us are still a little skeptical, but nonetheless we need to listen to the complainers, and we’re fortunate to have one of those with us today. Someone who appears to never laugh, never guffaw, who devotes all of his public and private time to reminding us that the world we live in is falling apart and there’s nothing that us, as non-multi-national corporations, can do about it. He has his own show on CBC, which I guess doesn’t mean a whole lot, since even Danger Bay held a coveted spot in that channel’s line-up for over five years. Like DB, his program is about environments, and here he is, the host of that, David Suzuki. David, so happy to have us with you today.
David fucking Suzuki: Thx. It’s gr8te to b hurr.
iSmith: So Zuke, how do you deal with being a constant buzzkill?
Zuke: I just flow wit it. Haters gon’ hate, but I’s a playa, and can’t no man make me stop, livin’ to live but not ‘fraid to die, ya dig?
iSmith: That is a nice attitude to have, especially with the passion and knowledge you display on a regular basis, about nature and things. I read somewhere that your family is able to minimize waste so effectively that you throw out only one small garbage bag every year. What is in that garbage bag?
iSmith: Of course! Now, I know that you, like many people, love to love the sentence immediately preceding the The Who song on TV’s CBS’s CSI programs. Have you ever thought up your own scenario-phrase combination to precede the opening titles of the hit series?
Zukey Baby: Only two really. In the first one they need to be at the murder scene, and the victim, probably a lovely 22-year-old starlet who flew too close to the sun, is lying on the ground with blood everywhere and her cell phone is on the ground because she tried to call 911, but because they’re in a basement she didn’t have a signal. So the guy goes, “What we’ve got here… (David removes imaginary sunglasses from his head) is a failure to communicate.”
iSmith: Ah, Cold Hand Lucas.
Zuke: Yah, dat be a hom-madge. D’udder one don’t got no set-up at present, mais the line be, “What we’ve got here… is a prime time rhyme crime.”
iSmith: Ooh! Such consistency, both syllabically and phonemically. Listen, I’ll cut right to it. What’s the biggest problem facing our environment today? Climate change, oil spills, what do we really need to protect ourselves from?
Zuke: Obviously our world isn’t perfect. War, peace, extreme viewpoints pulling on society’s perfectly average middle. But one thing that just can’t be explained, without tears, is the redundancy associated with animal personality traits and how they relate to humen. Even if you’ve never thought of this before, I’m sure you’ve figured out that the biggest culprit is the owl. A wise owl, a night owl. There is no simile here, no “wise as an owl” or “night like an owl”. It’s pretending – nay, lying – in the implicit assertion that we need the adjective. Owls are wise, that I can accept. Owls are nocturnal, also a fact as much as there can be one. So when referring to a person who is wise, such as myself, just call him an owl and be done with it. If a young woman enjoys staying out late, partying with her friends, she is simply an owl. Alternatively, if you don’t want to animalify someone, that is also acceptable. Just call me wise and contend that she enjoys the late night life. End redundancy, and with it, human suffering.
iSmith: You heard it here first. No more redundant animals, no more pain. Thank you David, and we hope that you keep doing your cute little things, you funny little man.
[Editor’s note: After inviting David Suzuki, or more likely a David Suzuki lookalike, into the studio under the guise of making him a DJ-for-a-day, the interviewor managed to sneak in the preceding hard-hitting questions. But enough playing now. Donate here to support the CBC. And while you’re at it, here for the David Suzuki Foundation.]