You play a good few characters on the teevee. You’ll likely never play any of mine, but you should get to know a few of them anyway, in case the paradigm shifts and someone gives me the run of the small-screen stories. Here are the ones with the highest catchphrase potential:

  • Jo and Fred Bloggs: British fraternal twins who can’t seem to get on the same page, in a way that is certain to deliver top-notch hijinks
  • Sue Constabulary: Passive aggressive knitter
  • Jason March-May: Professor of Calendar Studies
  • Timothy Burr: Lumberjack with a heart of gold but mostly an axe of gold
  • Cody White: Prolific app developer, solving life’s quibbling problems one episode at a time
  • Rick O’Shea: Retiree whose musculature of his visage succumbs to gravity quicker than most
  • Paige Turner: The Tina Turner of page turning
  • Tony and Tino: Partners in business and in life, which undoubtedly creates ratings-boosting tension
  • Elroy Water: Gets shit done, no matter what
  • Henry (Hank) Garfield: Cartoon combiner
  • Charlie: Not much is known about him except at one point someone calls him Checkpoint Charlie
  • Billy L. Pickard: left his hometown after some drama years ago, but gets dragged back by an old friend who needs his help
  • Adonis Dollimont: changed his name from Chuck Spadina to garner more respect at the landlord convention
  • Lou the tenant: Instead of money, pays rent with bees
  • Colin Byrd: Nice guy, but sketchy, and rarely ends up with the bill.
  • Roberta Pynn: Can’t smell, and considers self disabled because of it
  • Gary Jones: Indiana’s finest
  • Frank Fireclay: Tries to make every episode a musical one, which never works
  • Elizabetty Higgs: Always gets what she wishes for, but always forgets that this is the case
  • Walter Beardwood: the James Bond of small to medium-sized business accounting
  • Vaughan Addison: thinks he’s most important person in the room, and might actually hear the audience cheering when he walks in

You may have just read the name of an Emmy-winning character. Or we may have already seen the last of Adonis Dollimont. Only Ty Mwiltel.

[Author’s note: Ty is a guy who lives in the present, which is a big box with a bow on it.]

April 25 – Hank Azaria gets a character study
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