November 27 – Bill Nye gets patents pending

If it weren’t for you, 747s wouldn’t have even one hydraulic pressure resonance suppressor tube. A long flight after a long stopover after a long security line wouldn’t be at all tolerable if the whole plane was vibrating like an unanswered cell phone, and so I propose we change your name to Bill Nye, the Inventor B’y. Seconded, anyone? Gavel pounded. Glad that’s settled. Now we can move on to you, the Inventory B’y, critiquing and investing in nmy own inventions and other patents that are still pending but ready to take the world by storm. Let’s get to it.

Household

• Nutritional or vitaminal toothpaste
• Toothpaste that doesn’t make food taste bad after
• Dustpan with a mini vacuum cleaner along the tip so that you can actually get the last bit of dirt
• Knife with a little reservoir you can put jam and stuff in, like a soap dispenser kinda
• Collapsible indoor gutter for leaks
• Removable plates built into table
• Pet paw security print to access doggy door
• Doggy door with leash that attaches to the dog on their way out
• Scent bombs for dogs to have a good sniff
• Chair with extendable front legs for sitting on stoop
• Murphy couch
• Toaster where one piece pops up a little early, but both pieces are same toastiness
• Key that loses its shape after a certain amount of time, for lending purposes
• Two-tiered fork
• Egg shell retriever
• Little window on shower door so you can adjust the temperature before you get in without water going everywhere
• Long toothbrush, so that the bristly end doesn’t touch the other toothbrushes in the holder
• Toothbrush shaped like paintbrush
• Blanket with hole for breathing while still covering eyes
• Malleable frying pan that can be re-shaped however you want

Food

• Blueberry twizzlers
• Combine different cereals into one box before they’re sold
• Colorful bran cereals for kids
• G3, the watered down G2
• Cracker the size of a piece of bread
• Candy dispenser where you need to solve a problem to get the next piece out, to prevent overeating
• Edible skewers
• Edible flavourless sandwich clamps, to keep us from worrying about getting stabbed by hidden toothpicks
• Vienna sauce
• Crumb chips, meant to be eaten with a spoon or poured over other foods.
• French toast pizza
• Waterproof cigarettes
• Cake toppers for weddings between humans and inanimate objects
• Noiseless chip and candy bags, for movie theatres
• Fancy of booze with a ship in it
• 100mL bottles of beer, so you can drink them on a flight or bring to someone as a gift even if you’re only carrying on
• Pickle juice shaker
• Miniature timbits, that you eat like popcorn
• Peanut butter big turk
• Restaurant where well-trained animals are the tables and possibly servers

Electronics

• Black keyboard pad for computer for movie watching
• Waterproof laptop case so computer can be brought into bath
• Mini computer that folds into your shirt for easy accessibility
• Thin computer keyboard you can kind of tape to your leg and type things in public without people noticing
• Square or circular keyboard for quick one-hand typing
• Alarm like a dog whistle, where only one person can hear it based on their actual hearing abilities, since we must all have different sonic ranges
• Phone case that can act as a shade for when you’re in the sun
• Phone camera placement that promotes sneakiness
• Ridiculously oversized phone cases, like a life-size baguette
• Device you put in utero and in the father to feed the fetus alcohol proportional to how much the dad drinks, to keep the dad from drinking and making them have to deal with what the mom is dealing with even just a little bit
• Conveyor belt drive-thrus

Clothing

• Pants pocket with type of drawstring to keep items in
• Bird bath underwear
• High heel slippers, for comfort AND style
• Water belt for everyone, not just runners
• Bathrobe that won’t interfere with you while you’re sitting on a toilet
• Watch that converts to headphones
• Hats shaped like rooves, for rain protection AND style, with optional gutters and chimneys
• Tire track t-shirts for kids
• Suit that distributes weight evenly to help basket carriers carry a maximum of stuff around
• Hood that turns into an umbrella, for rain protection AND earlier comfort
• Facial hair mask, with detachable sections so that men with full beards can essentially have any style of facial hair there is
• Beard toupee
• Glasses that see in black and white

Bike

• Bike where you can turn the pedals around while walking it
• Device to steady front wheel, also for walking your bike
• Cyclist pool noodle, for Toronto, which has this 1-meter law thing

Camera

• Camera bag with zippers that change color when they’re fully closed
• Camera protector and steadier, for when you’re wearing it
• Camera strap doubler

Services

• Brief lesson on local language and customs for foreigners just arriving in an airport
• Airport kiosk manned by person who with listen to you travel problems and stories after the trip so your friends don’t have to
• Tie massage

Other

• 3-fret guitar thing, to practice chords and strengthen fingers
• Piano glove
• Adult-sized and -themed park
• Wristband with a thinner adhesive so you don’t get your hairs ripped out by lazy ticket-takers at shows
• Pencil that intentionally fades after time, for paintings
• Elastic plastic
• A dentist office that doesn’t smell like one
• Scrabble variation where all players’ tiles are always revealed
• Different attachments for a forklift or backhoe, so you have options like with a vacuum cleaner
• Timed handcuffs
• “Take a bookmark, Leave a bookmark” bin at the library
• Roulette variation where there’s two new spots, one where everyone wins and the other where everyone loses
• Device to wear on your back while standing that lets you sit down whenever you lean back, for busy people who are standing up a lot
• Windshield wiper with a built-in scraper
• DJ neck pillow
• Bubbles with different smells in them that float around until they get popped
• Famous fonts, so you can write with the penmanship of your favourite writers or other celebrities
• Real Angry Birds game, so replace the archaic bowling alley and mini golf
• Streaming version of a network TV show edited to make it seem like there were never any commercials

Finally

• ‘Patent Pending’ show, like Dragon’s Den but with a much shorter, elevatory pitch
• Cheap way to patent stuff