How old do you have to be before you’re allowed to not care anymore? I hope it’s 32.
I’m pretty sure the Earth is just a spongy ball and the universe is one big bottle of Orbitz.
People always ask me, would I trade it all for an old rotten shoe? No sir, of course I wouldn’t!
Every now and then I wonder if I’m too old to become a marshmallow.
I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t just do exactly what I want all of the time.
Why would anyone ever care if your fly is down, or if you have food in your beard, or anything else?
It’s very important to know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em, and know when to eat ‘em. That’s lesson number one in eating burritos.
You should say, “Do I sound like a crazy person?” repeatedly in a crowded place to determine whether or not you’re a crazy person.
You can always tell how high-strung a person is based on how they respond to you telling them how high-strung they are.
You should be legally allowed to drink as soon as you can prove you understand how pointless and depressing the world is.
It wasn’t Adam and Steve. Or Adam and Eve. It was Adam and Reeve. We’re talking about the best portrayals of Batman and Superman, right?
I want to, but I just can’t picture Bjork opening up a can of Puritan Beef Stew.
I just gave a bag of candy a look that said, “Get serious, now” because he thought he could stay over there on the counter and I wouldn’t go get him.
You know when you just finished a Reese’s and you see a little nibble left on the table so you suck it up with your mouth then it turns out it wasn’t a nibble of an Reese’s at all, but something else, still undetermined?
Sometimes I tap my butt to make sure I have my wallet, and sometimes I tap my butt to make sure I still have my sweet butt.
It is known that former professional baseball player Dock Ellis once pitched a no-hitter on acid. His name, in the phonebook, would be Ellis, D. → L-S-D. You know who would be absolutely blown away by that? Dock Ellis in the middle of his no-hitter.
I don’t know how to smile. The proof is in the pudding. Look closer. That was a prank. It’s only pudding in the pudding.
It should be the Tom Cruise game. Who the hell is Slavoj Žižek?
I bet people in the former Soviet Union like to tell their wives they’re going out for a Leon Trotsky.
I like when someone goes to give you a high five and right before they yell “high five!” in case you weren’t sure what his hand was doing up in the air like that.
Guns don’t kill people. Well, except the people who get shot.
Why do 50 Cent and his friends only sip Bacardi when they party, when they could also be eating havarti? Double down, Fitty. Get dat cheese.
We all need to band together and cheer up the woman who says, “You have dialed a number to which long distance charges will apply.”
John Goodman would make a great cloud in an animated movie.
When I drink coffee, I imagine a little man all hopped up on coffee bouncing around my brain. And he’s best friends with that bee inside my phone, the one who gets all mad when someone calls me.
I like eating pears a lot more than I’m letting on right now, based on the lack of pears in my hand.
Righteous is my favourite form of indignation but my second favourite set of brothers.
If Toys R Us sells toys, what does Babies R Us sell? That’s right – it’s toys for babies. Which makes sense, really.
Chance had to add “The Rapper” after his name because people kept confusing him with the dog in Homeward Bound who ate a porcupine.
Will you hang out with me? Asking for a friend.
The real heroes are the ones who successfully get you to ditch the zero.
Whenever I’m not in a plane I feel under the weather.
Right before I boarded the plane I had terminal cancer.
Am I the only one who’s fine dying surrounded by strangers and enemies?
What if the fly who won’t leave you alone is my reincarnated grandmother? Stop yer swattin’!
Sure I’m just a bag of bones and meat and tendons and brains and hopes and dreams and capillaries.
I think the song Willaby Wallaby is about the Republican party trying to keep us down.
Every generation needs a good scare. WWII, Vietnam, 9/11, your phone battery dying right when Stephanie was about to tell you if Brandon actually has a crush on you or if he was only trying to make Carli jealous.
I’m going to change my name to True Story, so I could say that Argo was inspired by me. Then I’m going to change my other name to Argo, so I can say that I’m inspired by me. Because I am. And you should be too.