As a partial Canadian, you probably know about hockey, right? And if you know about hockey, you might even be aware of Gordie Howe. And if you know about him, you definitely know about the Gordie Howe hat-trick. A traditional hat-trick, for the unaware, is when a player pots three goals in one game, which causes elated spectators to throw their own hats onto the ice in a quite odd show of support. A GHht is a variation on the norm, wherein a player scores a goal, records an assist, and gets in a fight all in one game. While most other sports don’t even have their own regular hat-tricks, they should all have their own versions of a GHht, but named after a big name in their own game. So let’s get to work on those:

  • The Mike Matusow hat-trick: World Series bracelet, $1,000,000 cash game profit and throwing all your friends under the bus to save your own butt
  • Shawn Kemp’s: 5 blocks, 10 rebounds and an illegitimate child
  • Roger Clemens’s: 10 strikeouts, a no-hitter and a perjured stringent denial of using any performance-enhancing drugs
  • Tiger Woods’s: An albatross, a chip in and a 30 foot putt
  • Lisa Ashton’s: 180, 180 and a thumbs up
  • Dan Bejar’s: a trenchcoat, a visual artist’s nominal doppelgänger and walking off stage to light up a smoke when someone else is singing
  • Bad Boy Bugs Bunny’s: a smoke, a leather jacket and a carrot
  • Grampa Peanut’s: a cane, a top hat and a bifocal monocle
  • Mine: A banana, an elastic band and a broken alarm clock

If you can think of any more, I’d be happy to hear them, but I pretty much covered every sport there is. I’ll talk to the various commissioners and my lawyer to get them to sign some stuff to make all of those a tad more official. Until then, they exist only for us, and I will do what I can to complete them all.

September 16 – Jennifer Tilly gets alternative hat-tricks for an evolving sports world
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