I know a lot of people struggle with their performance while attending large events where they don’t know anyone, like a girlfriend’s office party, where everyone is only trying to be the most normal. Well if that’s what they’re going to be doing, you’re going to do it too, but better. The best even. The most normal, and the best at being it. Here are some foolproof tips:

Ask someone how their small business is doing. I can guarantee that they own a small business or has recently sold one to Conde Nast, for Mucho Moneys. Bring up the economy, in a way that you’re so sick of thinking about how it’s doing that you couldn’t possibly have another conversation about it, but here you are anyway, because it’s just so damn important. “Ugh, the Dow!” is a common exclamatory gripe that doesn’t usually necessitate a follow up.

Relay to a different guest how much you care about the local sports team and how you essentially consider yourself part of the team. This will be evident by your use of the term ‘we’ to describe how the team is doing in the league standings. Oh yeah, be sure to refer to how much you hate the team closest in geography to that one as well. And get really angry, as if you’re willing to fight anyone who disagrees with you. Also, be willing to fight anyone who disagrees with you.

Complain about things you can’t change. Like certain ways in which people you’ve never met are acting, which you’ll learn from watching news and pseudo-news television. And how traffic is getting worse, how the weather is unseasonable, how English is no longer the only language on billboards near your house.

This one requires a bit of pre-planning that involves going to the gym regularly. You’ll need to find the heaviest item in the room and lift it in different ways. Be sure to stare at the other people until they notice the amount of weight you can squat. Now here’s the most important thing: Make sure you can squat a lot. And keep up on which protein powder is the most effective. If you don’t remember, make up your own fitness portmanteau, like “Turboboost”, which when used properly can make you seem like the one most in the know.

If adhered to correctly, the previous suggestion will allow you to treat everyone at the party like an object, existing only for your amusement. Confidence is key, and so is a winning smile.

Deliver platitudes in a way that claim them as your own original thought. “Well, you know, you win some, you lose some.” This is a valid statement in almost any situation. Bridge metaphors do well in crowds too. “Don’t burn your bridges!” or “Just another bridge to cross until the biiiig promotion.”

Finally, tell everyone how great you’re doing, in your personal, professional and spiritual life. Make them all wish he was the person you’re pretending to be.

[Editor’s note: The author claims each of his seven party tips relates directly to a different deadly sin, which is allegedly why his list is so effective, but I’m having trouble seeing most of the connections.]

April 13 – Glenn Howerton gets an infallible system for impressing the other party guests
Tagged on:             

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *