Now, I’m not a historian, but I do know everything about history, even the stuff no one else knows about.

Initially, the following assertion may come across as insensitive, based on my previous experience divulging certain facts. However, once I present the evidence, your mind will change like those before you.

The so-called causes of World War II – “Italian fascism in the 1920s, Japanese militarism and invasions of China in the 1930s, and especially the political takeover in 1933 of Germany by Hitler and his Nazi Party and its aggressive foreign policy” – are all cover-ups for the true reason. The war to end the mall, it was ignited and fought for nothing else than a pure sense of style. A certain mustache, popularized in the early 20th century by Charlie Chaplin, is the real stain that was spreading throughout the lands, which became much too much for one man to accept.

I’m not the first to postulate this theory, but I do intend to guide its exemption from immediate and unsubstantiated refutation. Like the others, my ideas may be quickly extinguished by the media and you will never hear what I have to say, but for those fortunate enough to receive awareness, I commend your strength and your intelligence and voracious desire for veracity.

Now of course I am not denying the happenings of the time, not by any means. I am just stating why they happened. In the truth, there is less room for inspiration, and learning, and understanding, but this is the way it is. I may be the messenger of enlightenment, but that is not for me to decide.

Hitler is viewed through history’s eyes as charismatic, demanding, evil, persuasive, dictatorial, but recorders often neglect to mention that he was theoretically, clinically and realistically insane.

The toothbrush moustache, so named because, get this, of its resemblance to the bristled end of a toothbrush, was enjoying great success as a fashion trend in Germany. A young Adolf despised its existence, for an unknown reason likely to be practically irrelevant. He worked vehemently to persuade others that one patch of hair under your nose is hideous, evil incarnate, and should never be considered stylish. Obviously and unfortunately, nobody listened to this one man shouting his pleas from a figurative soapbox, to deaf and hearing-impaired ears.

However, he noticed a rising viewpoint in his adopted homeland, one that considered certain races and peoples the cause of all Germany’s problems, which were certainly mounting after having lost the Great War. In his most lucid, he was said to have found it strange and absurd to segregate or hate based on ethnicity or race. Intelligence, sure. Sense of humour, even. Facial hair, no doubt. But never race.

Adolf was obviously aware of growing tensions between certain societal factions and needed only to find a group that could be used as a herd of scapegoats, sacrificed for the greater good so that no men would ever again grow the reviled sous-nez square. Other than certain quirks and eccentricities, such as his loathing of a particular style of facial hair, Hitler was admittedly a very intelligent man. His decisions were usually calculated and methodical, and his actions came from logic and pragmatism. His great plan to genocide this mustache began by first growing one himself. He would then create and perpetuate unspeakable crimes against his fellow earthlings. This would give him a reputation as an unwavering terrorist, eventually leading to his ultimate demise. For all days after, humanity across the lands would do whatever it could to avoid a semblance of mimicking him any way, including his physical characteristics.

What was once the northern soul patch, the nose-sweeper, the squared root – now it is just Hitler’s mustache.

Sure, sadness and pain reached unfathomable levels. But to him, this was not in vain. He had succeeded. As long as the mustache was never worn again, it was worth it to have created concentration camps, gas chambers, near annihilation, a warring world – well this guy was a real jerk.

October 25 – Samantha Bee gets the fall of a mustache
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