Growing up, I was never into the same activities as the other kids. I didn’t have a TV, I never read books, and I lacked an imagination. But there was a comic book series that I did read, mainly because it would appear suddenly and often all over my house. Its self-contained stories worked quite well for reading on the toilet, due to their brevity and colonic properties. And those, as you probably know, are Archie Comics.

The characters, who elicit nostalgia for a time that never existed, play it off like they had it all figured out. But I pity the Archies if that’s how they thought real friends treated each other. Maybe the small town brought them together. I’m sick of the “they all filled different roles” argument, if anyone even says that besides me just then. The parts they played were all self-centred and boring and mean when you got down to it. Where were the cool people in Riverdale? Not at fuckin’ Pop Tate’s, that’s for sure. How could Betty and Veronica be best friends? And how is Archie getting away with his romantic misdeeds? He was a real piece of work, that Archie Andrews. Ack!

Anyway, In one memorable story, Jughead suspects that the holes in the donuts have been getting bigger over time, so he gets Dilton to test the theory using an old photo of Jughead holding a donut, on which he used some scientific scaling system to determine that Jughead was in fact correct. But at the very end, instead of suing the donut store, which is what they were expecting, he just asked for a free large box of donut holes. Then it ends with Archie saying, “Maybe you can beat big business!” and the rest of them laugh along like a god damned pile of doofi.

(Oh, and happy birthday to Kelly too. She’s really great and all, and she’s willingly put up with me for several years now, but unfortunately she’s not famous enough yet to receive a personalized greeting.)

January 27 – Patton Oswalt gets an Archie Comics disparagement
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