RECENTLY I WAS WATCHING YOUR SPECIAL AND EATING DELICIOUS CANDY, GENERALLY LOVING LIFE. I GOT TO THE LAST CANDY AND, BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE HOW BAD MY WILLPOWER IS, I DECIDED TO CHALLENGE MYSELF BY LEAVING THE CANDY ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND NOT EATING IT. I WAS DOING FINE FOR AWHILE, SUCCESSFULLY IGNORING ITS PULL AND CONTINUING TO LAUGH AT THE CLOWN THING YOU HAD GOING.
BUT EVENTUALLY THE CANDY’S MAGNETIC FIELD GREW TOO GREAT AND MY HAND PICKED IT UP. NOW I STILL REFUSED TO BE BESTED BY A CANDY, BUT I FIGURED IF MY BODY WAS INSTINCTIVELY GRABBING THEN IT HAD ITS REASONS, AND ITS REASONS WERE VALID.
I LIKE TO THINK I’M BETTER THAN MY BASE INSTINCTS. I HAVE FREE WILL.
SO WITH THE CANDY IN HAND, I WENT OUT TO THE DECK AND FELT A SURGE OF POWER COME OVER ME AS I LAUNCHED IT OVER THE SIDE WHILST EMITTING A PRIMAL SCREAM, FOLLOWED BY A FIERCE LAUGHTER. I RETURN INSIDE SO DAMN LEGITIMATELY PROUD OF MYSELF.