What do you think happens when you die? When it’s my turn, my entire body will be donated to some well-meaning group of people, since I’ll be finished with it. Being buried or cremated is a waste of money and space, and maybe I don’t understand the afterlife, but I don’t really see how those types of bodily disposal would improve my condition at that time.

Some people donate their bodies to science, usually for medical reasons, to help students learn human anatomy more practically. But apparently there’s red tape involved and who knows what they’ll find in there anyway.

I guess most people donate their body to geology. Circle of life and all. Hakunes matunes.

Some rich people donate theirs to archaeology, after their corpses get put in underground tombs and whatnot, adorned in jewels and slaves and whatnot. Then they wait a bit before being discovered by the future people who want to find out what rich people from the past used to eat and whatnot.

Realistically, I want to donate my body to comedy. I’d love for my last act on this earth to be as a prop in someone’s joke. Like that doctor baby joke. – You know the one, this woman gives birth to a boy, and when she wakes up after a few hours the doctor comes in the room holding it, and as he’s getting ready to hand the baby over to her, he throws it out an open window. She starts crying, but he interrupts her. “Gotcha, he was already dead.” – I’d let someone think that they watched me die, and then find out later that I was already dead. That would be a good one. And what a way to go!

If this doesn’t work, I will “perform” as a dead marionette at a local comedy club. Who wouldn’t want to see a dead guy tell jokes. I will pre-record a set containing bits about my situation that will play as my assistant pulls the strings from above. I know about Weekend at Bernie’s and all, but in my idea the dead guy is in on it, so it’s at least a little more inclusive.

January 18 – Jason Segel gets a body donation
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