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january

January 31 – Bobby Moynihan gets a crow’s attack

January 31 – Bobby Moynihan gets a crow’s attack

So I’m on the roof here mindin’ my own, got a few chairs set up, bitta music on. This crow – huge fella, all black and pointy – he come outta nowhere, swoop down like I’m sittin’ in his friggin’

iansmitty January 31, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

January 30 – Wilmer Valderrama gets a hotel fire alarm

January 30 – Wilmer Valderrama gets a hotel fire alarm

A few days ago there was a nighttime fire alarm in my hotel, and I rushed to get outside to safety. When I finally reached the sidewalk, I realized I was naked. Others looked at me in disgust, or with

iansmitty January 30, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays 1 Comment Read more

January 29 – Heather Graham gets told what she’s doing

January 29 – Heather Graham gets told what she’s doing

When you Bing a celebrity, “net worth” is always the first autofill. Closely followed by “dead or alive”. Unfortunately, this is all many people seem to care about. I refuse to be one of those people, and so I remain

iansmitty January 29, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

January 28 – Sarah McLachlan is a secret bowling neighbour

January 28 – Sarah McLachlan is a secret bowling neighbour

A few years ago my friends and I bowled in the lane next to you on December 23rd. I remember the date not because of my incidental brush with a Canadian icon, nor because of the Festivus holiday. For myself,

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January 27 – Patton Oswalt gets an Archie Comics disparagement

January 27 – Patton Oswalt gets an Archie Comics disparagement

Growing up, I was never into the same activities as the other kids. I didn’t have a TV, I never read books, and I lacked an imagination. But there was a comic book series that I did read, mainly because

iansmitty January 27, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

January 26 – Vince Carter gets celebrated by a child admirer

January 26 – Vince Carter gets celebrated by a child admirer

I was once a Canadian child, at the height of Vinsanity, when you would do a few spin-arounds in the air on your way to the modern peach basket overhead. I would gaze intently at a television while you flipped

iansmitty January 26, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

January 25 – Alicia Keys gets a nominative deterministic teaser

January 25 – Alicia Keys gets a nominative deterministic teaser

I didn’t used to know about stage names. I figured you were born with a great name related to what you would end up becoming great at. Then I learned about nominative determinism, the hypothesis that people tend to gravitate

iansmitty January 25, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

January 24 – Ed Helms is a neurokahunanarcissist

January 24 – Ed Helms is a neurokahunanarcissist

Neurokahunanarcissism is a psychological condition which refers to the desire of an actor for their character to succeed, and when such success is attained, it often leads to the human person inheriting the managerial traits of their fictional counterpart. Several

iansmitty January 24, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

January 23 – Tiffani Thiessen gets an executive decision

January 23 – Tiffani Thiessen gets an executive decision

How many people were in on the decision to drop the Amber? I hope it was your and yours alone. Executive decisions are important, as an album I wrote indicates. The refusal to make a choice, no matter what it

iansmitty January 23, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

January 22 – Guy Fieri gets a nibbling week

January 22 – Guy Fieri gets a nibbling week

You are on the sandwich board outside a Chinese restaurant from which I buy tasty dan dan noodles and beef rolls. Now I, like you, love food. Unfortunately, due to a lack of necessary organs, I’m unable to eat like

iansmitty January 22, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more
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