So I’m on the roof here mindin’ my own, got a few chairs set up, bitta music on. This crow – huge fella, all black and pointy – he come outta nowhere, swoop down like I’m sittin’ in his friggin’
January 31 – Bobby Moynihan gets a crow’s attack
January 30 – Wilmer Valderrama gets a hotel fire alarm
A few days ago there was a nighttime fire alarm in my hotel, and I rushed to get outside to safety. When I finally reached the sidewalk, I realized I was naked. Others looked at me in disgust, or with
January 29 – Heather Graham gets told what she’s doing
When you Bing a celebrity, “net worth” is always the first autofill. Closely followed by “dead or alive”. Unfortunately, this is all many people seem to care about. I refuse to be one of those people, and so I remain
January 28 – Sarah McLachlan is a secret bowling neighbour
A few years ago my friends and I bowled in the lane next to you on December 23rd. I remember the date not because of my incidental brush with a Canadian icon, nor because of the Festivus holiday. For myself,
January 27 – Patton Oswalt gets an Archie Comics disparagement
Growing up, I was never into the same activities as the other kids. I didn’t have a TV, I never read books, and I lacked an imagination. But there was a comic book series that I did read, mainly because
January 26 – Vince Carter gets celebrated by a child admirer
I was once a Canadian child, at the height of Vinsanity, when you would do a few spin-arounds in the air on your way to the modern peach basket overhead. I would gaze intently at a television while you flipped
January 25 – Alicia Keys gets a nominative deterministic teaser
I didn’t used to know about stage names. I figured you were born with a great name related to what you would end up becoming great at. Then I learned about nominative determinism, the hypothesis that people tend to gravitate
January 24 – Ed Helms is a neurokahunanarcissist
Neurokahunanarcissism is a psychological condition which refers to the desire of an actor for their character to succeed, and when such success is attained, it often leads to the human person inheriting the managerial traits of their fictional counterpart. Several
January 23 – Tiffani Thiessen gets an executive decision
How many people were in on the decision to drop the Amber? I hope it was your and yours alone. Executive decisions are important, as an album I wrote indicates. The refusal to make a choice, no matter what it
January 22 – Guy Fieri gets a nibbling week
You are on the sandwich board outside a Chinese restaurant from which I buy tasty dan dan noodles and beef rolls. Now I, like you, love food. Unfortunately, due to a lack of necessary organs, I’m unable to eat like