I live in Vancouver, at it’s about this time every year that I lament over the size of our country. You see, I’m from the east coast, all the way in the Sin Jawns, and I’m not afraid to say
December 25 – Justin Trudeau gets a Newfoundland expatriate
August 31 – Chris Tucker gets noxious halluminations and biliary hallucinotions
I am 31. The day after being the subject in a lengthy, complicated resection, I experience the cryptic process of death, finalizing in me waking up in my old, partial body. I am forced to to navigate myself through several
June 30 – Mike Tyson fires Julie Klausner
We’re sitting at Paul Shaffer’s piano before trivia starts. I tell my teammates how crazy it is that Paul only had two jobs his whole life¹, first on SNL and then Letterman. Abe mentions that he has a crush on
June 29 – Gary Busey steals a plane to relax
Well respected, successful older actor Gary Busey is working on an independent film. On the studio lot, he runs into a director¹ he used to work for. Someone told him this director was hoping to cast him in his next
June 28 – Elon Musk gets his attempt to open a Grecian brewery thwarted by parasitic pests
I’m in a cramped office, advising Elon Musk on how to spend his money. Me: “Try EVERYTHING, no matter how absurd it sounds.” He decides to open a brewery at the top of any ancient hill in Greece. He tries
June 27 – Khloé Kardashian delivers some bad news
Khloé Kardashian tells me the singer Adele has died.¹ Kelly gets sad when she hears of Adele’s death. For an unknown reason, I pretend I didn’t already know. We’re hosting a party at a hip restaurant. As Dave and Aimee
June 26 – Aubrey Plaza is the only one who caught on to an Olympian’s plan for military dominance
Aubrey Plaza points out that there’s an understated female Olympian who owns a chain of about fifty pharmacies that are essentially equidistant, scattered around the continental United States. She says it in a way like we need to keep our
June 25 – Ricky Gervais misses out on the buyer’s take of a lottery win
Mark wins $1000 from a Christmas scratch-off. He doesn’t offer to share any of the money with anyone else, not even Ricky Gervais, who bought him the ticket, or to a lesser extent me, who scratched the winner for him
June 24 – Mindy Kaling gives me a stern talking to
I’m playing basketball and getting a lot of steals. Mindy Kaling, who’s coaching the other team, takes me aside and asks matter-of-factly, not in a mean way, “Do you think your style of play is helping our girls prepare for
June 23 – Joss Whedon listens in to a prank gone bad
I’m in the lineup to get into an outdoor restaurant. The couple at the nearest table warns me they might be awhile, which isn’t too impactful considering how many other tables there are. All the same, they do look like