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December 27 – Salman Khan gets culturally and linguistically twote

December 27 – Salman Khan gets culturally and linguistically twote

I’m a bit of a phobophile. I really like having my phobias, and I don’t want to lose them, any of them. I watched An Inconvenient Sequel yesterday and now I’m algoraphobic. What if… we heard it wrong, and Jesus

iansmitty December 27, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 26 – Jared Leto gets an insomniac’s reasoning

December 26 – Jared Leto gets an insomniac’s reasoning

Can’t sleep. Conjugating action verbs in a language I used to know. Solving the city’s traffic congestion problems. Imagining how fast the moon spins around the earth around the sun around the middle of the galaxy around whatever’s next out

iansmitty December 26, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 12 – Mayim Bialik gets a marquetter’s fortpolio

December 12 – Mayim Bialik gets a marquetter’s fortpolio

I work in marketing, and no matter what Bill Hicks says, I’ll probably go on living anyway. I first got turned on to the advertising field as a five-and-a-half-year-old and saw three mind-blowing commercials back-to-back-to-back. It turns out most marketing

iansmitty December 12, 2018February 29, 2020 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 1 – Sarah Silverman gets book titles and band names

December 1 – Sarah Silverman gets book titles and band names

Your book was my favourite thing I read this year, and this includes things I’ve written, so that’s saying a lot. I know the title alone went through an extended wringer, both in your own head and in back-and-forths with

iansmitty December 1, 2018December 31, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 27 – Bill Nye gets patents pending

November 27 – Bill Nye gets patents pending

If it weren’t for you, 747s wouldn’t have even one hydraulic pressure resonance suppressor tube. A long flight after a long stopover after a long security line wouldn’t be at all tolerable if the whole plane was vibrating like an

iansmitty November 27, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 19 – Larry King gets a self-composed obituary

November 19 – Larry King gets a self-composed obituary

Most obituaries tell us nothing more than a chronological map of someone’s life, and a list of people the dead person knew. Everyone happens to be beloved by all who knew him, when this is the biggest piece of turdshit

iansmitty November 19, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 18 – Kirk Hammett gets a startist’s ideation

November 18 – Kirk Hammett gets a startist’s ideation

People¹ always ask me where I get my ideas. Oh man, they come from everywhere! Dreams, strangers, the back of a bus that left me in its dust because I was too enrapt by a ladybug on a pole to

iansmitty November 18, 2018February 29, 2020 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 21 – Benjamin Netanyahu gets a shared laundry puzzle

October 21 – Benjamin Netanyahu gets a shared laundry puzzle

The cleansing of the laundry should not be attempted as I am, but it must be done. I’ve let it go too long, and if not now, never. So down the stairs to the room with the machines, down the

iansmitty October 21, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 16 – Flea gets animal collective nouns

October 16 – Flea gets animal collective nouns

I wake up in my sleeping pod to the sun’s rays scurrying in through the window. My leg dangles over the side of the bed until the rest of my body is ready to take on the day. Not a

iansmitty October 16, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 11 – Artie Lange gets a process template guaranteed to result in a successful stand up set

October 11 – Artie Lange gets a process template guaranteed to result in a successful stand up set

Recognize applause. Welcome audience. Thank previous comedian. Refer to one of their jokes with a lighthearted dig. Mention city that I’m in. Profess that it’s great to be here. Convey that I know a distinct characteristic of the location, something

iansmitty October 11, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more
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