We’re having a year-end school party in the house of a stranger who normally lets a group of us use it for studying. Joshua Jackson is there, cracking jokes. I tell him he should play Paul Thomas Anderson in a
While playing in a pickup basketball game, Bill Burr is being overly aggressive on the defensive end. He fouls me, and we’re over the bonus, but unfortunately the foul line is behind half court and I miss both shots. Somehow
Mae Whitman and I are very petty thieves, stealing candy and bars from a convenience store. The first few times there are no hiccups, but at one point I approach the counter to buy a large Reese’s Pieces and the
Kanye West and I go to get mall haircuts. I get ready in the change room then walk into the hair studio in only a t-shirt and underwear. The two girls working don’t say anything but Kanye calls me out
It’s late on New Year’s Eve, paper hat on my head. I’m managing a band that just finished their first performance and is late for a second show they’re doing downtown, which has a midnight set time. While I’m waiting
I fly to New York for the weekend. Colin Quinn shows me his new torso length straight elephant trunk tattoo. Our friends can’t find anywhere to park, so we all band together, collecting wooden planks that they can put their
I’m with Lily Tomlin and Chuck Klosterman as we make minor adjustments to an official document, putting the finishing touches on our master plan that will drastically change the world. Chuck makes a crude joke, but one that’s clearly intentionally
Over the last several months, there’s been a rash of brutal murders in and around Tijuana, Mexico. American females in their twenties, who often cross the border from San Diego to party for the weekend, are the primary targets, although
John Hodgman finally responds to my rebuttal of Vacationland. In the letter, he uses ‘@‘ instead of ‘at’ every chance he gets. I want to tell him it’s easier and makes more sense to use ‘at’ most of the time,
There is a sting operation underway as Wayne Brady and I try to expose the shady dealings of a popular populist politician, who looks like a Hell’s Angel and wears the same shirt every day. Before he got dressed, we
