2018

I’m in a grocery store lineup, on the left side of the conveyor belt. Ally Sheedy and her moustachioed partner¹ are on the right. We barely notice each other as we place our items close together, and neither of us

I pull up the lyrics to a song that Richard Ayoade and I wrote, under the moniker The Almond Butters, so that we can figure out the words for our upcoming concert. He wants to listen to the audio first

We’re having a year-end school party in the house of a stranger who normally lets a group of us use it for studying. Joshua Jackson is there, cracking jokes. I tell him he should play Paul Thomas Anderson in a

While playing in a pickup basketball game, Bill Burr is being overly aggressive on the defensive end. He fouls me, and we’re over the bonus, but unfortunately the foul line is behind half court and I miss both shots. Somehow

Mae Whitman and I are very petty thieves, stealing candy and bars from a convenience store. The first few times there are no hiccups, but at one point I approach the counter to buy a large Reese’s Pieces and the

Kanye West and I go to get mall haircuts. I get ready in the change room then walk into the hair studio in only a t-shirt and underwear. The two girls working don’t say anything but Kanye calls me out

It’s late on New Year’s Eve, paper hat on my head. I’m managing a band that just finished their first performance and is late for a second show they’re doing downtown, which has a midnight set time. While I’m waiting

I fly to New York for the weekend. Colin Quinn shows me his new torso length straight elephant trunk tattoo. Our friends can’t find anywhere to park, so we all band together, collecting wooden planks that they can put their

I’m with Lily Tomlin and Chuck Klosterman as we make minor adjustments to an official document, putting the finishing touches on our master plan that will drastically change the world. Chuck makes a crude joke, but one that’s clearly intentionally