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nugget

December 24 – Ricky Martin gets an old friend’s storied proposals

December 24 – Ricky Martin gets an old friend’s storied proposals

My good friend Arthur died recently, in what is accepted as an unfortunate climbing accident. But it’s a real coincidence that he’s the only person my age I know who had made a will, and it just so happened to

iansmitty December 24, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 15 – Adam Brody gets sketchy shorts

December 15 – Adam Brody gets sketchy shorts

A newly appellated Tony Piman returns to his empty shop, still reeling but pretty convinced that he was only passed over for his dream job because of his old suppressive name. Like Jonathan Leibowitz and Cherilyn Sarkisian before him, he

iansmitty December 15, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 12 – Mayim Bialik gets a marquetter’s fortpolio

December 12 – Mayim Bialik gets a marquetter’s fortpolio

I work in marketing, and no matter what Bill Hicks says, I’ll probably go on living anyway. I first got turned on to the advertising field as a five-and-a-half-year-old and saw three mind-blowing commercials back-to-back-to-back. It turns out most marketing

iansmitty December 12, 2018February 29, 2020 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 9 – Felicity Huffman gets a convenient score

December 9 – Felicity Huffman gets a convenient score

We prioritize convenience over everything, and comfort is pursued above all else. Even when we know the convenient option is the lazy one, and the comfortable is boring. Privacy – Readily accepting terms and conditions that give permission to companies

iansmitty December 9, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 8 – Nicki Minaj gets a pre-cancerous consideration

December 8 – Nicki Minaj gets a pre-cancerous consideration

[Editor’s preambling note: All of this was written a couple of years before the author actually developed cancer, and I think before his mom did, so please don’t treat it as a plea for pity, or an accurate reflection of

iansmitty December 8, 2018December 31, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 4 – Jeff Bridges gets ambitious videos to be made in my honour

December 4 – Jeff Bridges gets ambitious videos to be made in my honour

I’d like to make a film called Will in which I die in the opening scene, but in some funny, lighthearted, Darwin Awardy way so that nobody gets too broke up about it. In my final dispensation, I bestow to

iansmitty December 4, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 1 – Sarah Silverman gets book titles and band names

December 1 – Sarah Silverman gets book titles and band names

Your book was my favourite thing I read this year, and this includes things I’ve written, so that’s saying a lot. I know the title alone went through an extended wringer, both in your own head and in back-and-forths with

iansmitty December 1, 2018December 31, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 27 – Bill Nye gets patents pending

November 27 – Bill Nye gets patents pending

If it weren’t for you, 747s wouldn’t have even one hydraulic pressure resonance suppressor tube. A long flight after a long stopover after a long security line wouldn’t be at all tolerable if the whole plane was vibrating like an

iansmitty November 27, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 18 – Kirk Hammett gets a startist’s ideation

November 18 – Kirk Hammett gets a startist’s ideation

People¹ always ask me where I get my ideas. Oh man, they come from everywhere! Dreams, strangers, the back of a bus that left me in its dust because I was too enrapt by a ladybug on a pole to

iansmitty November 18, 2018February 29, 2020 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 15 – Shailene Woodley gets five shoppers shopping

November 15 – Shailene Woodley gets five shoppers shopping

Being surrounded by grocery-shopping crowds all day has given me a chance to truly discover who the general public is and what they’re doing here. All of these people are real, most you have seen in your travels, and one

iansmitty November 15, 2018December 31, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more
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