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november

November 30 – Ben Stiller gets the next great Pizzaloni barber

November 30 – Ben Stiller gets the next great Pizzaloni barber

My father, Antonio Pizzaloni Sr., dismissed me from school for good on my fifteenth birthday. He strode into my Norwegian Geography class and announced that my brother was dead, and so I was now in line to take over the

iansmitty November 30, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 29 – Don Cheadle gets a banana, an elastic band and an alarm clock

November 29 – Don Cheadle gets a banana, an elastic band and an alarm clock

A banana, an elastic band and an alarm clock sit on a bar. A banana, an elastic band, and an alarm clock. The three items that bring to the forefront a sense of my own mortality, and to a lesser

iansmitty November 29, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 28 – Alfonso Cuarón gets a driveway-sealing, record-selling Witness

November 28 – Alfonso Cuarón gets a driveway-sealing, record-selling Witness

I understand the religious idea behind Jehovah’s Witnesses coming to your door, trying to convert you to believe in whatever it is they believe it. Jehovah is Jesus I think, but a different Jesus than Catholic Jesus for whatever reason,

iansmitty November 28, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 27 – Bill Nye gets patents pending

November 27 – Bill Nye gets patents pending

If it weren’t for you, 747s wouldn’t have even one hydraulic pressure resonance suppressor tube. A long flight after a long stopover after a long security line wouldn’t be at all tolerable if the whole plane was vibrating like an

iansmitty November 27, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 26 – DJ Khaled gets bearded

November 26 – DJ Khaled gets bearded

I used to feel nothing but pity for those unable to grow a beard¹. I still do, but I used to, too. I’m talking about a real, full bush of a beard. These unfortunate men don’t get to choose how

iansmitty November 26, 2018February 6, 2019 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 25 – Christina Applegate gets a page-turning Paige Turner

November 25 – Christina Applegate gets a page-turning Paige Turner

Only the most elite of symphonies, with the most particular and snooty of players, can afford to hire page turners for its stars. Someone whose sole duty is to wait until two sheets worth of music are played, and then

iansmitty November 25, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 24 – Stephen Merchant gets fast food funny farms

November 24 – Stephen Merchant gets fast food funny farms

I’ve never worked at a fast food restaurant, but I can only imagine the hijinks that must go on in one of those places. I missed out on an important part of being a teenager, all because I found that

iansmitty November 24, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 23 – Miley Cyrus gets the four kinds of drunks

November 23 – Miley Cyrus gets the four kinds of drunks

Ernest Hemingway, Mary Poppins, Julius Kelp and Henry Jekyll walk into a bar.¹ Hemingway does what he’s been doing since before you got here and orders a whiskey and soda. The bartender points to the top shelf but is shooed

iansmitty November 23, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 22 – Mark Ruffalo gets a business traveller’s hotel room

November 22 – Mark Ruffalo gets a business traveller’s hotel room

An arrow stitched into the carpet of my hotel room, pointing me to a sacred land and urging me to make the pilgrimage, is evidently unaware how exhausted I am from the flight. I can only lie still, so I

iansmitty November 22, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 21 – Björk gets an interactive stroll through the neighbourhood

November 21 – Björk gets an interactive stroll through the neighbourhood

Go for a walk in a slower part of a city while you listen to this. Look around. What do you see? Just think it. Don’t say it out loud. Ask someone near you what time they were born. Hand

iansmitty November 21, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more
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