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journal

December 21 – Samuel L. Jackson gets a post-surgery hospital stay

December 21 – Samuel L. Jackson gets a post-surgery hospital stay

I wake up, disoriented entirely, entirely disoriented. I cannot see, I can’t move. An unfamiliar miasma impedes my awareness of self. Or maybe it’s the drugs. A collection of tubes protrudes from the conventional orifices as well as a few

iansmitty December 21, 2018December 31, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 18 – Keith Richards gets altered trips

December 18 – Keith Richards gets altered trips

Four people, or is it five, undergo a religious feeding, a ritualized beginning, preparing for the unpreparable. Nothing happens, and a request for more is submitted. Patience is prescribed, rightfully so. Each room is its own universe. Vibrations and tones

iansmitty December 18, 2018February 29, 2020 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 7 – Dan Bilzerian gets a gamboling gambler

December 7 – Dan Bilzerian gets a gamboling gambler

I used to play online poker for a living. If I was asked about it during a job interview today, I would say that those five years were instrumental in developing my abilities in financial management, game theory, risk assessment

iansmitty December 7, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 3 – Ozzy Osbourne gets cool Jeopardy stories

December 3 – Ozzy Osbourne gets cool Jeopardy stories

An answer does not a response make. Jeopardy! taught me that. Along with how moustaches make the man, and most facts about American presidents. There’s nothing that pleases me more than watching a Jeopardy!, then watching it later with other

iansmitty December 3, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 7 – Chris Mortensen gets a tumour’s origin story

November 7 – Chris Mortensen gets a tumour’s origin story

Hey, I found out I had the cancer in 2016 too! You definitely got way more media coverage than me, though. And to be fair, yours was probably scarier, even though mine might generated slightly more despair at a quick

iansmitty November 7, 2018December 31, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 21 – Benjamin Netanyahu gets a shared laundry puzzle

October 21 – Benjamin Netanyahu gets a shared laundry puzzle

The cleansing of the laundry should not be attempted as I am, but it must be done. I’ve let it go too long, and if not now, never. So down the stairs to the room with the machines, down the

iansmitty October 21, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 20 – Snoop Dogg gets a struggle with a toaster

October 20 – Snoop Dogg gets a struggle with a toaster

I return dejected to my suite, compulsed to eat. Home alone, I become a simile about digging my way to freedom as I scour the house for tasty treats. If there are no more chips, or the candy is no

iansmitty October 20, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

September 21 – Stephen King gets a false alarm at the wrong Jack Ennises’s

September 21	– Stephen King gets a false alarm at the wrong Jack Ennises’s

So John Lou is in his den having a snooze before dinner, with the TV on. He wakes up when he hears the sirens coming off a firetruck. So he jumps up and runs to the door to look out

iansmitty September 21, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

September 11 – Ted Leo gets notes from his show at the now-defunct Cobalt

September 11 – Ted Leo gets notes from his show at the now-defunct Cobalt

Last November, you and your Pharmacists played a show at a venue in Vancouver that has since shut down. It was really great. The show, not the venue. Although the venue was cool too. Anyway, I wrote down some notes

iansmitty September 11, 2018December 31, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

September 7 – Evan Rachel Wood gets a lost officer’s prevention

September 7 – Evan Rachel Wood gets a lost officer’s prevention

I never thought the “officer” moniker would creep its way into my job title at any point in my life, especially since “moniker” isn’t the appropriate word to use here. And just to clear up any pre-emptive confusion, I am

iansmitty September 7, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more
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