You must be so sick of interviews at this point. I mean, how many nerds want to ask you about something you did 50 years ago? Too many, I bet. I’d like to ask you a few questions too, and you’d probably enjoy answering them because of how interesting they are, but I respect your boundaries enough to not ask. So instead I decided to pretend that I interviewed the fictional Seinfeld character Bob Sacamano. Here is an excerpt:
Me: Bob – I can call you Bob, right? (Bob nods his acknowledgment) – Bob, you are possibly the most important character in any piece of television who never appeared on screen, in person or in voice. After all these years (mid-dialogue editor’s note: The last episode of Seinfeld aired in 1999.), how does this make you feel?
Bob Sacamano: It feels great, you know? It really demonstrates the strength of my character, the impact he could have on people’s lives without ever actually being in them.
Me: Many people assert that you were not even real in the show, and that you existed only in the head of Cosmo Kramer (portrayed by Michael Richards, Problem Child actor and guy who got caught bombing on camera in a factory which manufactured laughs) when he wanted to put a “face” to a story, so to talk.
Bob: That’s simply not true.
Me: I didn’t think so. So we were first introduced to you after your hernia operation (“The Heart Attack“), which did not go well.
Bob: That’s right. Malpractice. I got some money out of it, you know? Better than sloppy government cheques. (yelling, high-pitched voice) My name is Bob!
Me: It certainly is. You’ve had a number of other health problems as well: rabies (“The Glasses“), mental instability (“The Truth“). They must take a toll. How are you now?
Bob: Not good, you know? It’s real hard sometimes.
Me: I do. I do know. You’ve had some interesting careers throughout your life. Prophylactic manufacturer (“The Fix Up“), replica Russian hat salesman (“The Chicken Roaster“), and you were even the inventor of the toy paddles with the ball and rubber band and the ball (“The Puerto Rican Day“). What was life like before that?
Bob: A lot of missing balls, rolling around the ground, for the most part, you know? Life’s better now.
Me: Do you find it odd that you not only based on a real person, a friend of Larry David’s, but you two share a name as well.
Bob: Yup, Bob. Bob Sacamano. That’s our name.