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2018

February 22 – Rachel Dratch gets a posit on the catalyst to the extinction of humanity

February 22 – Rachel Dratch gets a posit on the catalyst to the extinction of humanity

We’re definitely on our way out as a species, but it’s still unknown which catastrophe is going to be the one to kill us off. We all know the obvious possibilities, what with the sun burning out, a meteor smacking

iansmitty February 22, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 21 – Jordan Peele gets a reflexive tangent, with (0,0) as my original origin

February 21 – Jordan Peele gets a reflexive tangent, with (0,0) as my original origin

I’m biracial too. My mom is white like a ghost, and my dad is white like an egg. After a few drinks, she sometimes says aloud that she wishes she married Denzel Washington. Like he’d have her! That’s about as

iansmitty February 21, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

FEBRUARY 20 – CHELSEA PERETTI GETS A STORY OF LOVE, DESIRE, STRENGTH AND INDEPENDENCE

FEBRUARY 20 – CHELSEA PERETTI GETS A STORY OF LOVE, DESIRE, STRENGTH AND INDEPENDENCE

RECENTLY I WAS WATCHING YOUR SPECIAL AND EATING DELICIOUS CANDY, GENERALLY LOVING LIFE. I GOT TO THE LAST CANDY AND, BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE HOW BAD MY WILLPOWER IS, I DECIDED TO CHALLENGE MYSELF BY LEAVING THE CANDY ON THE

iansmitty February 20, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 19 – Jeff Daniels gets a regular witnessing of car accidents

February 19 – Jeff Daniels gets a regular witnessing of car accidents

I watch the cars crash into each other from my front patio. I sit with a book and a drink and I wait, three floors up. The most dangerous intersection in the city is right outside my door. I didn’t

iansmitty February 19, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 18 – Yoko Ono gets a debunking of a wishful career opportunity

February 18 – Yoko Ono gets a debunking of a wishful career opportunity

Do you have supportive people in your life? But like overly supportive, where it’s not actually a good thing. I’ll casually say I want to do a very specific thing with my life, and for whatever reason, people believe me.

iansmitty February 18, 2018March 24, 2019 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 17 – Jason Ritter gets a household milk consumption analysis

February 17 – Jason Ritter gets a household milk consumption analysis

There’s something that’s been taking up more of my mind-time lately, something I’ve never worried about previously. Since I came of age, or least of an age where I began purchasing my own milk, I’ve been a 1-litrer. I’d get

iansmitty February 17, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 16 – Ice-T gets a burgeoning friendship’s first memory

February 16 – Ice-T gets a burgeoning friendship’s first memory

I was walking home the other day and noticed a guy halfway down an alley smoking what I can only describe as the reefer. He noticed me noticing him and then turned around quickly so that I wouldn’t see his

iansmitty February 16, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 15 – Alex Borstein gets an off-hand jeu de mots taken literally by parental units

February 15 – Alex Borstein gets an off-hand jeu de mots taken literally by parental units

My mom was describing this thing she’s picked up recently called “mind clearing”, an approach to meditation building on mindfulness approaches, with the ultimate aim of reducing suffering caused by mental, emotional, relationship and spiritual distress, by (as you may

iansmitty February 15, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 14 – Rob Thomas gets a grievance concerning the fictional elderly’s technodiction

February 14 – Rob Thomas gets a grievance concerning the fictional elderly’s technodiction

How come old people are the only ones who get to be 80 years young? Some kid who’s been alive for like 2 years, I can see how he’s 2 years young. But come on. Granny? She old as trees.

iansmitty February 14, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 13 – Jerry Springer gets a poorly-executed reincarnation

February 13 – Jerry Springer gets a poorly-executed reincarnation

My grandfather died when he was really young. He was only 35 at the time – died of a broken toe, because back then nobody knew how to cure anything, and they still couldn’t figure out where the toe was.

iansmitty February 13, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more
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