Hey, if you’ve got lemons, make lemonade. Can’t argue with that one. In my own backyard, planted by my mother’s mother for aesthetics alone, lives a single, fruitful lemon tree. Each year of my early life, the ripened mini yellow
July 24 – Jennifer Lopez gets an apology from an old half pal
I was born in 1988, in the same news cycle that band-aids ended up lower case. As I came into the world, Jimmy Cagney left it, the little dustmite, and my mother still tells me I’m his reincarnation. My parents
July 15 – Jesse Ventura gets a corpse collector’s prelude
Last year, about four thousand people successfully scaled Mount Everest, the highest peak in the world. It isn’t the hardest climb in the world, or the longest, but it is the highest. And that’s all anybody cares about. Many alpinists
May 10 – Kenan Thompson gets an alternate elder care system
I just got back from visiting my grandmother at her alternative nursing home. The managers set these unnecessarily harsh rules that they make sure all of their residents are well aware of, but after speaking to one of the aides
April 18 – Alia Shawkat gets a child born into fatherhood
I became a father before I ever became a son. My parents had struggled to conceive a child for years, but they were certain they wanted to raise a family. Even with the interminable despair and human failure that plagues
April 7 – Eric Wareheim gets a melting cheeseman
While you are a funny man whose shoulders I hope to one day stand on, for now, I am but a lowly cheese melter. As a child, I was banished to the sewers, with my father refusing to accept my
March 28 – Reba McEntire gets a foiled attempt at laziness
I’m sitting at gate 42 in Terminal C of YHZ, waiting to get back home after a short business trip. An announcement comes over the loud speaker informing us that the gate’s been moved, all the way to gate 7,
March 20 – Spike Lee gets an encounter with a blind Venetian lady of the night
When I was ordered to be stationed in Italy after the war, I gathered, from the way the other guys talked, that it would be the easiest few months since I was drafted. We were there on a peacekeeping mission,
March 7 – Bryan Cranston gets a Mortal Kombat announcer’s take on his job
I’d never done voice work before, but I guess I knew my cadence and baritone delivery was unique. And powerful. So even without any experience or formal training, when I saw a posting in the actual physical newspaper for a
March 5 – Penn Jillette gets a eulogy for the monkey switch
I’m tired. I’m always tired lately. I’ve finished living, if you can call it that, through another eight hours of a routine I could not have imagined myself getting sucked into years ago. Another segment of time wasted helping someone