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November 29 – Don Cheadle gets a banana, an elastic band and an alarm clock

November 29 – Don Cheadle gets a banana, an elastic band and an alarm clock

A banana, an elastic band and an alarm clock sit on a bar. A banana, an elastic band, and an alarm clock. The three items that bring to the forefront a sense of my own mortality, and to a lesser

iansmitty November 29, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 22 – Mark Ruffalo gets a business traveller’s hotel room

November 22 – Mark Ruffalo gets a business traveller’s hotel room

An arrow stitched into the carpet of my hotel room, pointing me to a sacred land and urging me to make the pilgrimage, is evidently unaware how exhausted I am from the flight. I can only lie still, so I

iansmitty November 22, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 13 – Whoopi Goldberg gets another EGOT

November 13 – Whoopi Goldberg gets another EGOT

Emily, Graham, Oscar and Tony walk into a bar. Every Friday evening, the party of four enters through the side door of The Academic sometime around seven, commanding the attention of any guest who happens to already be inside. Their

iansmitty November 13, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 31 – Jon Wurster gets a George Street mystery

October 31 – Jon Wurster gets a George Street mystery

Now no matter what it looks like out yer window, this is not a standard Friday night in town. There’s no rain, not a drop of wind, and you might even stay outside for a bit after your smoke is

iansmitty October 31, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 29 – Richard Dreyfuss gets an imperfect bet

October 29 – Richard Dreyfuss gets an imperfect bet

As a documentarian, I’m over here making a documentary. On the surface it appears to be about gambling, but at its core it considers what is, transparently, a gamble for other people that is a sure thing for me. The

iansmitty October 29, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 18 – Jean-Claude Van Damme gets a boy trapped in a refrigerator who eats his own foot

October 18 – Jean-Claude Van Damme gets a boy trapped in a refrigerator who eats his own foot

It is rather spacious in here. Like, the space, there’s tons of it. I know I’m only a little fella, but this beats sharing a room with that meathead who hits me but pretends it’s me hitting myself but it’s

iansmitty October 18, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 16 – Flea gets animal collective nouns

October 16 – Flea gets animal collective nouns

I wake up in my sleeping pod to the sun’s rays scurrying in through the window. My leg dangles over the side of the bed until the rest of my body is ready to take on the day. Not a

iansmitty October 16, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 13 – Sacha Baron Cohen gets advice from a man in a suit in a kiosk on a street

October 13 – Sacha Baron Cohen gets advice from a man in a suit in a kiosk on a street

I punch in my redundant PIN number and request twenty smackeroos, which I’m handed stiffly by the supposed clerk on the other side of the envelope-sized slot. Hurrying back to the suited kiosked man, I trip and stumble over a

iansmitty October 13, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 12 – Hugh Jackman gets a man in a suit in a kiosk on a street

October 12 – Hugh Jackman gets a man in a suit in a kiosk on a street

Strolling down Water Street, I pass a homemade kiosk containing a well-dressed proprietor and an attached sign declaring, in bright green letters, that the man inside will provide surreal yet sound financial advice for a single dollar. Before today I

iansmitty October 12, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 4 – Liev Schreiber gets cautioned by a porscheman

October 4 – Liev Schreiber gets cautioned by a porscheman

As a man with a Porsche, I have a duty to those without. I represent for you the possibility of possibilities, and so I must maintain the appearance of happiness and importance, of someone you wish you were. It can

iansmitty October 4, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more
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