I’m going through what the scholars might call a mid-life crisis. When I was younger, my parents led me to think of the term as some kind of a joke. “Honey, Ray¹ bought a new Mercedes. What’s he need that
November 19 – Larry King gets a self-composed obituary
Most obituaries tell us nothing more than a chronological map of someone’s life, and a list of people the dead person knew. Everyone happens to be beloved by all who knew him, when this is the biggest piece of turdshit
November 18 – Kirk Hammett gets a startist’s ideation
People¹ always ask me where I get my ideas. Oh man, they come from everywhere! Dreams, strangers, the back of a bus that left me in its dust because I was too enrapt by a ladybug on a pole to
November 17 – RuPaul gets Mary Browned
My drag name, if I ever need one, will be nothing if not Mary Brown. It might sound a little plain and spiritless at first glance, until you find out what it means, and what she represents, to me and
November 16 – Maggie Gyllenhaal gets a doctor’s office waiting room
Another room of strangers, engulfed in a tense silence, reminiscent of a family gathering before the bitterness begins. The barely-audible newscast on the television angled down from the back corner, near the ceiling, is the clang of cutlery in the
November 15 – Shailene Woodley gets five shoppers shopping
Being surrounded by grocery-shopping crowds all day has given me a chance to truly discover who the general public is and what they’re doing here. All of these people are real, most you have seen in your travels, and one
November 14 – Condoleezza Rice gets a human rice tribunal
Secretary-General of the United Rice Tribunal: Okay, so we’re all agreed. Malawi gets full rice, Mali gets bubkis. Gavel is pounded [he pounds the gavel at this point but announces it for the record and the deaf], and we can
November 13 – Whoopi Goldberg gets another EGOT
Emily, Graham, Oscar and Tony walk into a bar. Every Friday evening, the party of four enters through the side door of The Academic sometime around seven, commanding the attention of any guest who happens to already be inside. Their
November 12 – Megan Mullally gets my doula Oblangata
Oblangata is a Nigerian woman of untold age. She is loud and intrusive, tough but kind-hearted. Erin is newly married and five months pregnant with her first child. She absolutely adores Oblongata. O was Erin’s mother’s doula when she was
November 11 – Leonardo DiCaprio gets a jungle intruder
The beach sends me away with enmity, so I head inland. But the jungle, it’s not mine. I defensively contend I’m a visitor when I feel like an intruder. The disruption of my invasion is not overlooked by those I