I show up unannounced at Norm Macdonald’s house in order to speak with him. We used to be writing partners, but I haven’t seen him for awhile and we never left things on the best terms. His neighbour, a sketchy drunk who mostly keeps to himself, is watching me through his window wondering what I’m doing there. There is an old middle seat from a van on his front porch.
I buzz up to Norm, but he won’t let me in. I persist but he’s having none of it.
Norm: “Shag off!”
Me: “Let me up. I actually have to pee.”
Norm: “Piss outside.”
Me: “There actually isn’t anywhere to go. I’ll only be a second. I’m bursting here.”
Eventually my persistence annoys him more than my presence. He opens the door quickly without acknowledging me and then turns around, continuing a conversation he’s having with two women, Heigl, who is British, and Rachel. His door has tinted glass where you can partially tell what’s happening inside, but when he opens the door it’s obvious that it was actually a strange mirror, so he essentially appeared out of nowhere to me. His apartment is dilapidated, with paper towels filling in holes in the drywall, and nobody seems to care. It’s obvious that the three of them are in the middle of an argument.
Heigl fills me in on part of the argument, in which she was disparaged by either Norm or Rachel. “Hi, I’m a bitch.”
I pause and give her my hand to shake as I play along. “Hello, I’m an asshole.”
Heigl loosens up and points at Norm. “He’s a piece of shit.” She then starts laughing and points at Rachel. “And she’s a fucking cunt.”
Norm grows impatient with me standing around. “Hurry up, go piss!”
I go into the bathroom and wonder why I ever showed up here.
Later, I am standing on the porch smoking a cigarette with Rachel.
Me: “Where did the seat go?”
Rachel: “We sent it to the dump.”
Me: “Well where am I supposed to write now?”
Rachel (trailing off as she gets into a cab): “Maybe you’re not.”
[Editor’s note: Keep in mind that Heigl, while her name sounds Scandinavian, is in fact British, so her expletive is said more casually than had she been from essentially anywhere else.]
