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weighty

October 17 – Norm Macdonald gets an anxious turtle named Dylan

October 17 – Norm Macdonald gets an anxious turtle named Dylan

The window grew smaller with each day, but still Dylan preferred his seat on the top of the couch, legs dangling over the edge, face facing the outside. He watched the other turtles play, and even though he told his

iansmitty October 17, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 7 – Thom Yorke gets anamnesis

October 7 – Thom Yorke gets anamnesis

We return to the location of a particularly memorable event-happening place, a death or a kiss or another feeling that outshines the other feelings in recent or unrecent memory. The location itself, in the three-dimensional structure we use to make

iansmitty October 7, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 6 – Amy Jo Johnson gets a drowning in a swimming pool and sum consequential possibilities

October 6 – Amy Jo Johnson gets a drowning in a swimming pool and sum consequential possibilities

It doesn’t manifest itself when I jump in the ocean, or a lake, or a river. It may actually be the artificiality of the swimming pool that conjures the experience. The precise dimensions my subconscious is subjected to give off

iansmitty October 6, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 5 – Neil deGrasse Tyson gets a snail’s demise and one of my own

October 5 – Neil deGrasse Tyson gets a snail’s demise and one of my own

Stepping inadvertently but directly onto the snail, I hear the crunch of her home under my feet. My view briefly becomes hers, as her consciousness defects from her shell and enters mine for the split moment on its path to

iansmitty October 5, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

September 2 – Lennox Lewis gets into an agnosticky situation

September 2 – Lennox Lewis gets into an agnosticky situation

At one point I was a proud atheist. I devoured Dawkins and nodded smugly in agreement, while hungrily absorbing Hitchens’s views and laughing along with Gervais at his most skeptical. I would regard with contempt those who turned to religion

iansmitty September 2, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

May 12 – Rami Malek gets a robotic understudy

May 12 – Rami Malek gets a robotic understudy

I’m the other kind of robot. Not the dutiful cog in the elaborated system, whose rigid movements are dictated by the unrepentant desire to acquire currency, to purchase assets, to attract a mate. With a better car than the neighbours,

iansmitty May 12, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

April 5 – Pharrell Williams gets happiness projected

April 5 – Pharrell Williams gets happiness projected

Whenever someone tells me of an accomplishment they accomplished, like winning a gold medal at some form of the Olympics, I say, “Okay, sure, but are you happy?” They usually think for a minute and eventually say no, in some

iansmitty April 5, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

March 8 – James Van Der Beek gets an understanding of a post-Nibs diet life

March 8 – James Van Der Beek gets an understanding of a post-Nibs diet life

I have a friend whose internet alter ego is a poorly-executed play on your name. One night many years ago, I drunkenly challenged this friend to eat only Hawkins Cheezies for a week, figuring he would laugh it off and

iansmitty March 8, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

March 3 – Ira Glass gets some insight into how I see the part of me that writes

March 3 – Ira Glass gets some insight into how I see the part of me that writes

A photo of a quote of yours, the one about creativity and taste and perseverance, spent a couple of well-worn years as my wallpaper. I would like to thank you for that. But I haven’t written in a while. I

iansmitty March 3, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 26 – Michael Bolton gets an assumption of his current state

February 26 – Michael Bolton gets an assumption of his current state

Even considering the immense technological advancements during your lifetime, you are still astounded by the functioning of a lightbulb. There is one lightbulb in your house that needs to be changed, but you assume that will take care of itself.

iansmitty February 26, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more
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