A bachelor party is going on in my backyard, with Edward Snowden and Tom Delonge trying to get me to join them. I politely decline without using my words, and instead I go the house next door. Chrissy and Ashley
A beloved local venue is forced to shut down indefinitely while the owner sorts out some debts. Everyone who works there is packing up the gear. The mood is slightly solemn but we’re all still having fun together. I ask,
Zoe Saldana, the new owner of the Houston Astros and their stadium, gives their underdog opponent a two-game lead in the best-of-five series, claiming it will be easier to sell tickets to the last three games this way, compared to
I’m at an army camp as a teenager. We all need to meet at the river before moving on to the campsite, which is on an island. Our sergeant tells us, ”You’re going to want to stop rowing. You’ll think
It’s a beautiful day but there is a blanket of low-hanging cumulus clouds in the sky. Through a sizeable opening in the cloud cover, thousands of differently shaped red, white and blue balloons float by. Occasionally one falls at my
John Cho sings, “No more Ellen¹ allowed in Canada, gotta give it up for them foo foo flaps”, which is hilarious to me in this plane. Now I think he’s funnier in real life, even though he didn’t actually say
The last episode of Friends is playing, but this version wasn’t meant to go public. There’s significant tension between Ross and Rachel, and not the good kind. Phoebe (acting very Kendell-like) goes up and makes out with Ross really crazily,
[Editor’s note: There are several separate sections to this, all written at various times over the last three years, including before the election, so there are certain references to him not winning, à la Dewey Defeats Truman. The long length
I’m in a grocery store lineup, on the left side of the conveyor belt. Ally Sheedy and her moustachioed partner¹ are on the right. We barely notice each other as we place our items close together, and neither of us
I pull up the lyrics to a song that Richard Ayoade and I wrote, under the moniker The Almond Butters, so that we can figure out the words for our upcoming concert. He wants to listen to the audio first
