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December 23 – Noël Wells gets a gets a breath wish and a deodo-rant

December 23 – Noël Wells gets a gets a breath wish and a deodo-rant

The nurse quietly closes the door to his private room on the sixth floor, leaving Randolph alone with his estranged son for the first time in years. Trevor had flown in from Topeka earlier that day, finally acquiescing to his

iansmitty December 23, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 15 – Adam Brody gets sketchy shorts

December 15 – Adam Brody gets sketchy shorts

A newly appellated Tony Piman returns to his empty shop, still reeling but pretty convinced that he was only passed over for his dream job because of his old suppressive name. Like Jonathan Leibowitz and Cherilyn Sarkisian before him, he

iansmitty December 15, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

December 4 – Jeff Bridges gets ambitious videos to be made in my honour

December 4 – Jeff Bridges gets ambitious videos to be made in my honour

I’d like to make a film called Will in which I die in the opening scene, but in some funny, lighthearted, Darwin Awardy way so that nobody gets too broke up about it. In my final dispensation, I bestow to

iansmitty December 4, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 30 – Ben Stiller gets the next great Pizzaloni barber

November 30 – Ben Stiller gets the next great Pizzaloni barber

My father, Antonio Pizzaloni Sr., dismissed me from school for good on my fifteenth birthday. He strode into my Norwegian Geography class and announced that my brother was dead, and so I was now in line to take over the

iansmitty November 30, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 28 – Alfonso Cuarón gets a driveway-sealing, record-selling Witness

November 28 – Alfonso Cuarón gets a driveway-sealing, record-selling Witness

I understand the religious idea behind Jehovah’s Witnesses coming to your door, trying to convert you to believe in whatever it is they believe it. Jehovah is Jesus I think, but a different Jesus than Catholic Jesus for whatever reason,

iansmitty November 28, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

November 13 – Whoopi Goldberg gets another EGOT

November 13 – Whoopi Goldberg gets another EGOT

Emily, Graham, Oscar and Tony walk into a bar. Every Friday evening, the party of four enters through the side door of The Academic sometime around seven, commanding the attention of any guest who happens to already be inside. Their

iansmitty November 13, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 31 – Jon Wurster gets a George Street mystery

October 31 – Jon Wurster gets a George Street mystery

# DONNIE Now no matter what it looks like out yer window, this is not a standard Friday night in town. There’s no rain, not a drop of wind, and you might even stay outside for a bit after your

iansmitty October 31, 2018July 14, 2023 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

October 16 – Flea gets animal collective nouns

October 16 – Flea gets animal collective nouns

I wake up in my sleeping pod to the sun’s rays scurrying in through the window. My leg dangles over the side of the bed until the rest of my body is ready to take on the day. Not a

iansmitty October 16, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

August 31 – Chris Tucker gets noxious halluminations and biliary hallucinotions

August 31 – Chris Tucker gets noxious halluminations and biliary hallucinotions

I am 31. The day after being the subject in a lengthy, complicated resection, I experience the cryptic process of death, finalizing in me waking up in my old, partial body. I am forced to to navigate myself through several

iansmitty August 31, 2018February 29, 2020 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

April 29 – Jerry Seinfeld gets a cerealized hugger-mugger

April 29 – Jerry Seinfeld gets a cerealized hugger-mugger

In November of last year, the Trix rabbit was dead found in the woods near a popular swimming hole, his usual floppy ears wrapped tightly around his neck and hanging from a branch of an oak tree. This… is Cereal,

iansmitty April 29, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more
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