I am 2. I am alone in our backyard, only momentarily, as my father runs up the driveway to explain to a pair of tired adolescents that we do not need our lawn mowed. I pick up a handful of
August 2 – Charli XCX gets a toddler’s secure playground
August 1 – Coolio gets a baby’s first memory
I am 1. I am lying on my back on a bed in my basement, staring at the stucco ceiling. A diaper is being changed. I have to assume it is my own. My sister, who has been alive slightly
July 30 – Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a muggy inventory
On an average day in the life of me, I will prepare and drink an orange pekoe tea in the morning, a cappuccino when I come home for lunch, and then a varying caffeine-free tea before bed. Depending on my
July 22 – Shawn Michaels gets the freebooter’s attempt to live up to his name, along with a ridiculous coincidence
A skinny little DJ Qualls-esque fool breaks into a house. He enters through a window while sneaky music plays. TF starts looking around for anything valuable. Eventually he sees a computer and picks it up. At that moment, but before
July 20 – Judy Greer gets an allergy reaction
I am sitting in my desk on the first day of school, next to a new girl who appears nervous, as she should. The principal’s voice can be heard over the intercom. “We have a new student in Grade 2
July 19 – Jim Norton gets a Colombian standoff
Kelly and I land in Colombia at night and take a taxi to the place we’re staying. After dropping off our bags, we go for a walk around Cartagena’s Walled City. The streets are mostly deserted, but the first person
July 8 – Milo Ventimiglia gets an unending twenty miles to a destined nation
Twenty two years ago, my parents took us out of school for the spring so we could travel around some of the more vineyardy European countries, seeing the sights and the lights and on one memorable occasion, undergoing plights. After
June 14 – Donald Trump gets diversity in media
[Editor’s note: There are several separate sections to this, all written at various times over the last three years, including before the election, so there are certain references to him not winning, à la Dewey Defeats Truman. The long length
May 29 – Anders Holm gets a diploma’s name rightfully displayed
As a card-carrying member in the class of the privileged, at one point in my life I accidentally graduated from a university with a degree, with no plan or understanding of how to use said degree to make that sweet
May 26 – Phil Elverum finally gets his own schubladenbrief
Today is the one day I don’t even really want you as the intended recipient to read it, but I left it anyway because it led to one of those moments that messed with me in the way the world