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february

February 28 – Gilbert Gottfried gets an unwillingness to calm a customer’s frustration

February 28 – Gilbert Gottfried gets an unwillingness to calm a customer’s frustration

I was in one of those large electronics stores the other day, looking at speakers and pretending that the differing volts and specs will help me determine which ones I want. I was there returning a keyboard I borrowed for

iansmitty February 28, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 27 – Derren Brown gets a new illusion he can try out on his friends before he takes it to the big time

February 27 – Derren Brown gets a new illusion he can try out on his friends before he takes it to the big time

I have a neat little knick-knack for you, in the form of a new illusion you can play on your friends and acquaintances. It’s one my father taught me years ago when I was just a wee child. For it

iansmitty February 27, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 26 – Michael Bolton gets an assumption of his current state

February 26 – Michael Bolton gets an assumption of his current state

Even considering the immense technological advancements during your lifetime, you are still astounded by the functioning of a lightbulb. There is one lightbulb in your house that needs to be changed, but you assume that will take care of itself.

iansmitty February 26, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 25 – Ric Flair gets a bucket list of sorts

February 25 – Ric Flair gets a bucket list of sorts

I don’t know about you, but there’s a few things I’d like to do before I die. I’d love to save someone’s life. I want to be interviewed on the news right after I risk my safety to keep an

iansmitty February 25, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays 2 Comments Read more

February 24 – Edward James Olmos gets a religious rumination

February 24 – Edward James Olmos gets a religious rumination

The churches have been recruiting for long enough now they should know their current methods are not really the most effective. Jehovah’s Witnesses, they come to your house and everyone else’s house trying to convert you and everyone else to

iansmitty February 24, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 23 – Patricia Richardson gets a fondness for my protégé

February 23 – Patricia Richardson gets a fondness for my protégé

I have this protégé now. It’s really strange having someone look up to me like he does, but pretty interesting too. Before this, I never felt like my actions made a difference in anyone else’s life but my own. Now

iansmitty February 23, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 22 – Rachel Dratch gets a posit on the catalyst to the extinction of humanity

February 22 – Rachel Dratch gets a posit on the catalyst to the extinction of humanity

We’re definitely on our way out as a species, but it’s still unknown which catastrophe is going to be the one to kill us off. We all know the obvious possibilities, what with the sun burning out, a meteor smacking

iansmitty February 22, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 21 – Jordan Peele gets a reflexive tangent, with (0,0) as my original origin

February 21 – Jordan Peele gets a reflexive tangent, with (0,0) as my original origin

I’m biracial too. My mom is white like a ghost, and my dad is white like an egg. After a few drinks, she sometimes says aloud that she wishes she married Denzel Washington. Like he’d have her! That’s about as

iansmitty February 21, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

FEBRUARY 20 – CHELSEA PERETTI GETS A STORY OF LOVE, DESIRE, STRENGTH AND INDEPENDENCE

FEBRUARY 20 – CHELSEA PERETTI GETS A STORY OF LOVE, DESIRE, STRENGTH AND INDEPENDENCE

RECENTLY I WAS WATCHING YOUR SPECIAL AND EATING DELICIOUS CANDY, GENERALLY LOVING LIFE. I GOT TO THE LAST CANDY AND, BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE HOW BAD MY WILLPOWER IS, I DECIDED TO CHALLENGE MYSELF BY LEAVING THE CANDY ON THE

iansmitty February 20, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more

February 19 – Jeff Daniels gets a regular witnessing of car accidents

February 19 – Jeff Daniels gets a regular witnessing of car accidents

I watch the cars crash into each other from my front patio. I sit with a book and a drink and I wait, three floors up. The most dangerous intersection in the city is right outside my door. I didn’t

iansmitty February 19, 2018December 30, 2018 HappyBirthdays No Comments Read more
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