In the haze of the alley, on his way to meet a new companion at a fancy restaurant, the only thing Ted can make out is a gun, pointed like a singing sister right at his face. Frightened as a
December 29 – Ted Danson gets a simile Ted
December 27 – Salman Khan gets culturally and linguistically twote
I’m a bit of a phobophile. I really like having my phobias, and I don’t want to lose them, any of them. I watched An Inconvenient Sequel yesterday and now I’m algoraphobic. What if… we heard it wrong, and Jesus
December 23 – Noël Wells gets a gets a breath wish and a deodo-rant
The nurse quietly closes the door to his private room on the sixth floor, leaving Randolph alone with his estranged son for the first time in years. Trevor had flown in from Topeka earlier that day, finally acquiescing to his
November 30 – Ben Stiller gets the next great Pizzaloni barber
My father, Antonio Pizzaloni Sr., dismissed me from school for good on my fifteenth birthday. He strode into my Norwegian Geography class and announced that my brother was dead, and so I was now in line to take over the
November 14 – Condoleezza Rice gets a human rice tribunal
Secretary-General of the United Rice Tribunal: Okay, so we’re all agreed. Malawi gets full rice, Mali gets bubkis. Gavel is pounded [he pounds the gavel at this point but announces it for the record and the deaf], and we can
November 9 – Lou Ferrigno gets passed the pasta past its shape
I love all kinds of pasta, even though they’re basically the same as each other, only with different configurations. As you know, my Italian descendant, the shape makes all the difference. The totally tubular and the stuffed and the strand
September 4 – Whitney Cummings gets a spec South Park episode’s collaborative synopsis
Avril Lavigne is visiting South Park, from Japan, where she’s from. She’s a big Canadian pop star, obviously, and she’s driving a transport truck, in the fog, with her big hands. Turning Japanese is barely audible, coming from the radio.
July 26 – Mick Jagger gets wishful entropy
I know life is pretty foolish as it is, with there being so many crazy people and stupid people and houses shaped like shoes bridges full of locks with no keys. But it would still be better if this universe
July 24 – Jennifer Lopez gets an apology from an old half pal
I was born in 1988, in the same news cycle that band-aids ended up lower case. As I came into the world, Jimmy Cagney left it, the little dustmite, and my mother still tells me I’m his reincarnation. My parents
July 13 – Ken Jeong gets alpha beat
Do you know why the alphabet is in the specific order that it is? Is it because of that song? If that’s the only reason, for the seven’s sake, let’s mix it up. As we forge forth, I propose to