Something’s off about these things. They look like blueberries, they have that blueberry flavour, and the container says blueberries. But there’s no way anyone in their right mind would consider this a blueberry. It’s a prank, and a pretty darn good one, that those Banana War-starting, Lorenzo Baker-founded United Fruit Company has been playing on us for years.

A wild blueberry, the kind you find on a hike where you bend down to tie your shoe but notice a bush with a bunch of tiny dark blue orbs and then you keep looking around and they’e absolutely everywhere, doesn’t need a container, doesn’t need marketing, and doesn’t need you. It will live and die either way, on its own, and if you want to eat it, sure go ahead, it doesn’t mind, not one bit. It’ll be back.

Obviously the wild bunch isn’t always easy to come by, which is why we tolerate the sub-par offerings of multinational fruit conglomerates, and yet we need to take control. Chuck the berry, win the war.

Now I’m not guiltless in all of this, and often my endeavours remain fruitless. I neglect what I know in favour of a chance at nostalgia, the trigger presenting itself next to legitimately tasty local drupes in the open section. I too chase the blueberry dragon, eating Peruvian doppelgänger berries clinging to the possibility they’ll taste like the fresh ones from the creator.
Together, a stand we can take against Big Fruit. There’s always money in some kind of fruit stand, but this time, it won’t be mine.

May 28 – Jake Johnson gets a berry pleasing plea
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