We’re definitely on our way out as a species, but it’s still unknown which catastrophe is going to be the one to kill us off. We all know the obvious possibilities, what with the sun burning out, a meteor smacking us in the universal gullet, gradual unmitigated climate change.

But I feel like it’s gonna be more surprising, with a little bit of that “WHAAAA?” factor we’re all looking for in a mass extinction.

My theory, and it has some merit, which I’ll get to later, is that a mammoth mammoth’s vestigial testicle will engulf, ingest or envelop the planet until we all get quicksanded into its oxygen-deprived goo.

Cockroaches will survive, and tartigrades, maybe a couple of resilient silicon-based slugs, but that’s about it.

“What about me?” you might be asking.

No, dummy. You be dead.

February 22 – Rachel Dratch gets a posit on the catalyst to the extinction of humanity
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