Hey, I cook too! But I’m no foodie, whatever the jesus that is. I don’t Instagram my suppers as the delay in eating leads to unnecessarily cooling of the meal. I don’t blog about the freshest kale I just ate. And I don’t pretend that I’m the first one who ever decided to put a certain combination of ingredients together on a plate. But what I lack in hipster, I make up for in grit, and I want to share with you what it takes to reach my level of talent and success. Here, before gods and men and the mudder from Raymond, is a recipe for my recipes:
- List ingredients. Write those friggers down.
- Line foods up on the counter, in order of sizes they will eventually be chopped into.
- Spend several minutes wondering whether or not it was the chicken or the egg that came first, to remind yourself you are never above philosophy.
- Forget what a spatula looks like and try to flip an egg with two pieces of uncooked spaghettini, to be used ninjaically as chopsticks.
- Before cutting the vegetables with a Santoku knife you obtained from a flea market on Kenmount Road, make an “EE-ee-EE-ee” sound and mime a robot stabbing his creator right after developing sentience.
- Juggle two avocados with one hand while deciphering which one was cultivated closer to the world’s only Sriracha factor in the smelly town of Irwindale, California.
- A single tablespoon of salt can now be added, although it is rarely noticed, like the potential second ‘i’ in aluminum.
- Sing. Sing like nobody’s watching, love like only that one guy down the road who’s into voyeurism is watching, and live like nobody’s watching.
- Watch a movie like only you are watching.
- Take a moment to breathe it all in. Let the satisfaction wave over you until you get a bit turned on like you do when you think of something really funny.
- Put a salisbury steak Hungry Man frozen dinner, once used to cool down your constantly overheating laptop at least once a day for eight months, in the twenty-seven year-old microwave your roommate’s girlfriend’s mother gave you and wonder how many cancer cells are being created in your body as you watch it cook.
- Add salt.
March 4 – Patricia Heaton gets a receipt of my recipe for my recipes